Number One To Me
by enaskoritsi
Summary: /Mello x OC/ "Mello, why do you want to be the next L so much?" "Because he's the best there is." "Why would you want to be the best L, though? What about just being Mello for a while?"
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer : _I do not own Death Note or anything associated.

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.:. Number One To Me .:.

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I had never been in the top, and I didn't really mind. Being in the elite, of the elite, would have been an immense accomplishment, not bringing with it only the recognition among your peers, but also a secure future. Almost everyone at Wammy's House wanted to be the next L, and who wouldn't with all it could offer? However, the fact was, not many of us had a chance, myself included, and so our fates were left hanging in the balance.

I had been maybe...fifth or sixth in line, but to be honest, I really don't remember. Most prospects stopped caring after three, because we knew we couldn't beat that trio, and nor did the more vicious ones see the hope in over three of them dying so they could reach the top. With these facts in mind, I decided to be content with my situation as it was, honestly not knowing if I wanted to be the next great detective anyway. That's not a career you can say no to, and who'd want to be trapped like that?

Since I wasn't in the top three, I wasn't given a protective alias, along with all the others who were on the bottom of the intellect pyramid. It wasn't a particularly important subject, but every child grows excited at the prospect of mystery and hidden secrets. We all used to make up our own little code-names, half the time changing them each week just for the fun of it.

I never changed mine though. Early on, I decided on the name Ivy for myself. Outside of my small window, there was a patch of forest green ivy that always grew up the decrepit wall, spreading its thick, luscious vines over whatever surface it could reach. Every spring, Roger would hope it had been killed by the harsh, winter frosts, but it never completely crumbled. The man himself had taken whatever measures he could to remove its traces from the gritty bricks, but the plant always returned, determined to live with a will stronger than I had ever known. So I took on its name (in my childish mind), because I wanted to be like that. I wanted the courage and strength to persevere through all hardships and traumas, never letting anyone tear me away from what I desired.

My life was quiet and simple, like the other inhabitants of the orphanage. Things rarely became unsettled, and the only real excitement only blossomed when the actual L would come to visit. This wasn't a common event, and even an almost worthless mind such as I could appreciate its importance.

Everyone would crowd through the halls to see him, the younger kids pushing and shoving desperately to reach the front, often crying harshly until the older one's ears began to bleed, causing them to push the whiners forward until they hushed. Our mentor would appear without ceremony, his hands buried into his jean pockets casually with his messy black hair falling into his face. To many of us, it was the most dazzling thing we had ever seen, and when his dark eyes settled on our group we couldn't help but beam, good moods lasting for days afterward.

Nonetheless, our anticipation was nothing compared to that of another, a little blonde boy named Mello.

When L trudged down the hall, Mello was already rushing out of his room, racing down the corridors so fast it was a wonder he didn't set the wood on fire. Once he found the one he admired so greatly, he would beam at him in childish delight, staying by his side for as long as possible, and almost growling at the others who tried to see him.

This would last for a few hours maybe, depending on the day, but the inevitable always occurred. L would grace Mello with a few kind words, dismissing him somewhat bluntly before visiting the actual reason he was there; Near. Near was the top candidate for L's position, with grades and scores so high not even Mello, the second, could touch him, ever.

Mello would watch this all happen, his shining eyes dulling and growing empty as his lips twisted into an ill-suited snarl. We'd watch him stomp off angrily, thrusting his teeth into a bar of chocolate before munching his way back to his room.

As years passed, Mello lost the youthful exuberance when L came to visit, instead staying in the shadows as he watched his greatest enemy receive what he wanted more than anything, acknowledgement. Looking into Mello's eyes, anyone could see the hatred boiling inside, seething under his skin with a fury greater than anything I could ever have imagined.

This was also the time that he began only wearing black. The inky color seeped through his wardrobe like a virus, tainting everything with its smoky disease. It was probably to stand out from Near, who wore white with a zealous consistency. It was just one more way for Mello to try to stand apart.

People stayed clear of Mello when this began, doing their best to leave him to his own devices and hoping this would assist in taming his wild temper. Instead, this seemed to have the opposite effect, his looks becoming even darker when he approached and the others shied away. He took comfort in the third most intelligent, named Matt, rarely speaking to the rest of us at all.

The others were happy with this solution, easily adapting without concerning themselves. Yet, the entire thing seemed odd to me, the obsession and frustration that radiated from Mello in a poisonous aura. Then again, I was never going to be number one, and I probably couldn't understand the desperation of always failing and being second place. It made me curious, and it was obvious there was only one person who could satiate my wonderings.

_"Hey Mello?" I asked, speaking up as I saw him pass by in the hall. He stopped and eyed me suspiciously, eyes narrowing into catlike slits as he curled back his lip._

_"What?" he replied coldly, probably from being ignored by us lower-levels for so long. Brushing some of my honey colored hair behind my ear, I inquired,_

_"Why do you want to be the next L so much?"_

_Mello gave me a blank stare, one that was definitely questioning my sanity. The glassy look in his eyes confirmed this, the teal pools wondering if I was really that stupid._

_"Because," he finally responded, looking down at me contemptuously, "he's the best there is."_

_I cocked my head, closing my icy blue eyes for a second in thought before opening them again._

_"The best detective? The best L?" I questioned, Mello nodding shortly._

_"Why would you want to be the best L, though?" I continued, watching his eyes widen. "What about just being Mello for a while?"_

I didn't talk to Mello much after that, but whenever we saw each other he'd give me a bizarre sort of look. It was a weird mix of things, confusion, uncertainty, possibly even disinterest. On the other hand, it was about this time that I began growing a friendship with Matt. He was quiet, which wasn't an oddity, and he possessed an extreme obsession with all things containing either video or game. While rather impassive about everything else, he was fun to talk to occasionally, his rather quick mind easy to bounce opinions and ideas off of. The fact that I wasn't a half-bad gamer also created a nice bonding atmosphere.

Occasionally, when the two of us were shrieking over making it to the next level of something or other, I'd feel eyes pricking holes in the back of my head. Turning around, I would find Mello poking his head through the door, gnawing on his bottom lip as a substitute for chocolate. His eyes would be wary and worried, but soon enough he'd spin on his heel and stalk down the hall noisily.

I think he was always scared that I'd steal Matt away from him, just like Near had snatched L out of his needy grasp.

_"You're Matt's best friend you know," I stated, having followed Mello when he fled the room. He had stopped by one of the grand windows, his body silhouetted against the harsh, summer light. Glaring at me over his shoulder, his flaxen hair swished snootily as he turned his head._

_"Yeah, I know that!" he huffed indignantly, placing his hands on his hips defiantly._

_"Just because you're not number one," I continued, watching him stiffen with sure agitation, "doesn't mean you're going to lose everything."_

_Mello turned around, digging a piece of chocolate out of his pocket and biting down on it rapidly before giving me a heated glance._

_"Don't think I'm worried over stuff like that," he hissed, tilting his head in the direction of Matt's room with obviously recently conjured distain._

_"Its just...not fair!" he mumbled, crunching down on his chocolate furtively and peering at me over the aluminum wrapper. "He doesn't even try, but he's still on top!"_

_I immediately knew who he was referring to, as most anyone would. It should have been expected; Mello's thoughts simply revolved around Near, almost unhealthy in the fixation._

_"Then accept it," I sighed with a shrug, causing Mello to almost choke on his candy._

_"What?" he growled, giving me the most virulent look I had ever received._

_"He's number one, and you're second. Why's that so terrible?" I went on, rubbing my shoulder in discomfort. Mello stared at me for a few seconds, stepping forward furiously as I backed away, intimidated._

_"Why?" he scowled, his hand shaking so much he almost dropped his chocolate. "Because second means nothing!" He glowered, clenching one hand into a fist at his side._

_"Being second isn't going to make me the next L! All it'll prove is that I'll never be better than Near! He'll always beat me!"_

_He threw the candy bar with an angry grunt, and I flinched as it cracked against the wall, dropping to the floor with betrayed noises of discontent._

_"You can't understand!" He shouted, eyes large and crazed. "I study for hours to be as smart as him, and it doesn't even make a difference! He always has the top scores, no matter how hard I work! I'm always second, always!"_

_He threw his hands into the air with a huff, leaning his forehead against the hot window and squinting his eyes from the sun._

_"He doesn't even try..." Mello muttered, suddenly tensing and staring at me over his shoulder. Frowning, he abruptly stomped off without another word, disappearing into his room and slamming the door._

_Peering down at his broken and neglected chocolate bar, I knelt down to its level and picked up the pieces._

_"You're...number one to me, Mello."_

It wasn't long after that when the Kira case began sneaking its way into daily conversations. Opinions ran rampant, most children choosing a side and separating themselves accordingly. Those who lost parents and ended up at Wammy's due to a criminal seemed to support Kira more, where others with different experiences were all against him without question. Of course, around the adults, everyone despised Kira, especially since L was the one hunting him down.

I myself was in the gray with my view on the matter of this new god. The world may be a corrupt and foul place, but it is not one man's right to cleanse it with his own regulations and opinions. So in that manner, I knew Kira needed to be apprehended, and quickly, or else his influence would spread with contamination beyond repair. On the opposite end, the idea of freeing the world of cruel, disgusting people was a kind idea, if not with poor execution. Therefore, while some went through the house shouting Kira as blasphemy, I couldn't really blame him.

But then it happened.

The news spread through the halls like wildfire, no one knowing who had lit the match that began the chain.

L was dead.

Before the repeated statement had reached my ears, I had been sitting with Matt and Mello in Matt's slightly messy room. I enjoyed spending time with them whenever they allowed it, not just because I appreciated their company, but because they were so completely different than myself in a way I loved. While Matt and I had grown close, Mello still held that spark of animosity from the past, a fact that caused my stomach to tie into painful knots.

_"I still don't see why you like those games so much Matt," Mello complained, resting his arms behind his head with a bored stance. Matt grunted, pushing some hair out of his eyes so he could see the screen without obstruction._

_"One more knight and I'm on level six," he whispered onto his breath, oblivious to anything but the game held securely between his grasping hands._

_"Jeez..." Mello whined, blowing some of his bangs out of his eyes for something to do. Finally letting them float back onto his face, his eyes trailed over to where I was lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling with an unfocused stare._

_"Hey!" he called out to get my attention, and I flickered my eyes his way. "What are you doing?"_

_Yawning slightly as my eyelids drooped, I answered, "Thinking."_

_"About what?" Mello pressed, obviously desperate for some entertainment. Allowing my eyes to drop completely closed, I complied sleepily,_

_"About...chocolate."_

_"Chocolate?" he yelped, his attention captured as I felt the bed tumble from movement. "What about it?"_

_I opened my eyes into annoyed slits, searching for a real topic with a mind blanker than an erased chalkboard._

_"Uh..." I trailed off, gazing up at the boy above me, completely undeserving of my fifth status._

_"Why do you eat it so much?"_

_Mello froze, his mouth hanging open like a loose door hinge. Finally he focused on me with a small grimace, his lips twitching as if he wanted a piece at that very moment._

_"Why do you want to know?" he accused, raising one eyebrow with a slight sneer._

_Roger saved me from answering by bursting through the door, his face shining with a nervous sweat. Mello and I turned our heads to the door, while Matt of course stayed too engrossed in his game._

_"Mello," Roger addressed him, beckoning to him with his hand. "Come with me."_

_Mello shared a curious glance with me before jumping off the bed and following Roger without a comment, the door closing behind the two and cutting them off from us, for what we thought was just for the moment._

_"What do you think that was about?" Matt asked, flicking his thumb at the door while the next level began to load, a small green bar in the corner of the screen._

_"Don't know," I grumbled, burying my head into a pillow from the head of the bed. "He'll probably tell when he gets back."_

_Matt nodded slowly to show he heard, but except for that there was a comfortable silence between us for around half and hour until it was shattered by the sound of heavy footsteps from the corridor._

_Mello stormed through the doors, his eyes wild and his breaths coming in with sharp pants._

_"L is dead!" he roared as stopped in front of us. I sat up as if electrocuted, and worst of all, Matt dropped his game._

_"W-What?" Matt stuttered, his goggles falling down over his face in a lopsided manner._

_"Hes dead!" Mello cried, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "Kira killed him! And they wanted me to..." He bit his lip, eyes glowing with a enmity I knew was saved specifically for Near._

_"What?" Matt pressed, getting up and walking over to where Mello stood like a statue and shaking him roughly by his shoulders. "Who's the new L, Mello!"_

_"Near!" Mello hissed, prying Matt's hands off of him with a dirty glare as he backed away, looking at Matt as if he was a stranger._

_"I'm leaving..." he revealed, looking at us with a frosty glance._

_"Mello..." Matt whispered as his friend ran out the door, disappearing into his room across the hall and slamming the door with a final bang. Giving Matt a worried glance, I stepped around him and knocked on the door to Mello's room, opening it and stepping inside when I received no response._

_Mello was throwing his clothes into a black duffel bag sloppily, not caring when a t-shirt landed with one sleeve still hanging out. He zipped it up with the fabric caught in the zipper, probably tearing the thread. When the door closed behind me, he didn't even lift his head, nor did he show any sign of acknowledgement as I took a few tentative steps closer._

_"...Mello?" I broke the silence, but he only replied by throwing the strap of his bag over his shoulder, gripping it tightly as he pushed past me and towards the door. As he went by, my hand leaped out and grabbed his sleeve, digging into the dark cloth enough to halt him._

_"Let," he ordered through clenched teeth, "go." I bowed my head, my hair falling between the two of us, making us separate._

_"Where are you going?" I asked, Mello's movements ceasing what I knew was momentarily. Neither of us talked for a few moments, but he finally went on._

_"I'm going to solve the Kira case myself," he spat, trying to pull his arm out of my hold, but I refused to relinquish it. "I'll prove to Near I'm better the only way I can."_

_"How are you going to do that?" I turned my head away, ignoring the way my throat began to close. "All alone?"_

_Again, he tried to wrench his arm away, but still I clung to him._

_"I'll do what I need to," he finalized as he took in a deep breath. My heart began to pound, but I didn't acknowledge it as a bitter laugh seeped out of my mouth._

_"It's going to kill you," I whispered, feeling Mello's eyes burning the tresses between us. "This competition."_

_"This competition is all I'm living for," he replied cruelly, finally ripping his shirt from my grip and moving a few steps back._

_Lifting my head, I met his serious gaze, finding his face completely hidden for the first time. This wasn't Mello anymore, but someone much older, someone...changed._

_"We'll...come with you," I offered, inviting myself along on a ride I wasn't really a part of. Mello gave me a calculating once-over, one hand slipping into his pocket._

_"Not now," he ordered, taking out a piece of chocolate and popping it into his mouth. "You'll find me when you leave."_

_"Okay..." I muttered, and before I could second guess myself, I wrapped my arms around him in an embrace. It was the first time I had ever really touched him, revealed by the heat in my face and the way my arms were trembling._

_For a few seconds we just stood like that, my pulse racing at an alarming rate. Finally, he lifted his free arm and wrapped it around me in response, tentatively drawing me to him before pushing me away and heading towards the door, slamming it behind him in his characteristic way._

_Once the footsteps faded away, I collapsed on the floor, crying the tears I hadn't known I was holding in._

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_Author's Note : _I wrote this for one of my best friends, who adores Mello, and one of my other best friends gave me the courage to post it here. Please leave a review, as this is a multi-chaptered story, and I want to know if it is worth continuing.

Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer : _I do not own Death Note. If by some sort of magic I did, Near would've been devoured by rabid dogs.

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.:. Chapter Two .:.

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Matt and I didn't leave Wammy's until a few weeks later. Matt foretold that Mello would need space for himself, time to adjust and make his way in whatever world he had chosen. Finally, with our bags resting securely around our thin shoulders, we told Roger we were leaving. I believe he was aware of our intentions, for he had never been slow of mind and had a sharp intuition that rarely failed him. He seemed disappointed in Matt's departure, but I knew he cared little about my own. I was only the fifth in line, low enough to be insignificant but still high enough to be overlooked.

_"Where do you think he is Matt?" I began as the gates of the orphanage slammed behind our backs, locking us out forever. Matt scratched his head with a tired sigh, digging around in his bag for a moment and grasping a CD player in his skilled hands. He raised an eyebrow and held one piece of the headphones my way, and I took it with a grateful smile._

_"I don't know," he eventually replied as we started to walk with no destination. "Near's using the official police, so Mello probably shifted the other way."_

_"With criminals?" I inquired incredulously, and Matt nodded with an unsure shrug._

_"Most likely with people of power who can get him what he wants. Gangs, the mafia, who knows?"_

_Shaking my head with a tinge of disappointment, I muttered, "Mello would do anything to beat Near."_

_Matt rolled his shoulders to release tension, changing that current song that was playing to something more upbeat and techno._

_"Yup, anything."_

It didn't take long to find him. We asked around, knowing who could help by corning those with shifty eyes and tight-lipped mouths. A few weeks of stumbling through dingy, barely lit alleys gave us the toughened exterior we needed to intimidate those inhabiting the shadowy, drug-induced corners behind each street, even with our youthful faces. One eventually dragged us to him, tossing us roughly before him with a threatening grunt before disappearing back into the dirty alleyways.

_"I wondered when you'd finally show Matt," Mello noted, biting into a thick chocolate bar with a resounding crack. His yellow hair had grown a little longer, dusting his shoulders as he turned his head to grace his friend with a sideways inspection. His loose, black clothes from before were gone, replaced by tighter, flashier garments of inky leather. I didn't want to know what he had done to don this new mask, this almost demonic identity._

_"And you came too," he remarked, shifting his eyes, which were dyed gray in the light, to my face."Huh."_

_"We're here to help you on the case Mello," Matt offered, and Mello narrowed his eyes disagreeably, bringing the candy back to his mouth stubbornly._

_"I don't need your pity. I can solve this case!" Mello hissed, his tone deadly and dripping with sarcastic venom. Matt brushed this off nonchalantly, fingering his handheld through the pocket of his sweatshirt._

_"Near has an entire organization at his disposal; you have us," Matt countered, causing Mello to calculate for a few moments. His gaze floated from Matt to myself, repeating the motion until those slate eyes finally settled on me._

_"Fine," he submitted acridly. "Come on. I'll show you the place."_

We spent a few months in that beaten down warehouse he called a base, shifting through worthless information to find a few diamonds in the rough. Hacking into police computers (Matt's specialty), and digging out helpful facts (my own) filled our days from the earliest hours of the morning to the latest ones of the night, when Mello finally allowed us to collapse from exhaustion.

I don't know how he did it, but Mello kept every one of those surly, uncontrollable men in line with only simple commands and spontaneous threats. Somehow he got them to bow to him, kill for him, and at times even die for him. It was strange to see, a golden-haired boy ruling among hordes of greedy, hateful murderers. The pieces of that picture didn't really seem to fit together.

_"What've you found?" Mello interrogated as I stood before him, holding a bulky folder tightly to keep the precious documents from slipping to the floor._

_"There is a new L in Japan, taking the place of the real L. Near has no leads on the case, and the SPK is currently incapacitated from lack of information. General approval of Kira has risen sixteen percent," I explained robotically, handing the manilla folder to Mello, who in turn simply tilted his head and squinted up at me from where he sat._

_"Near's stuck..." he laughed with spite, resting one leather-clad hand under his chin. "He won't be for long. He'd never give up so early in the game."_

_Gathering courage, I rephrased the question I had proposed long ago, wondering if the time would make a difference._

_"Why do you play this 'game' Mello?" I mumbled, staring at the floor with an unfocused vision. "Using criminals to meet your ends...how does that make you any better than a common murderer-"_

_I choked on my words as Mello threw me into the wall, pressing my shoulders into the peeling wood painfully._

_"Don't bring this up again," he spat, and I cringed as a stray nail dug into my back. "I should've been the one. I'm going to show them what a great detective I would've made! I will not stand in Near's shadow!"_

_"So," I squeaked as he drove me deeper into the jutting claws, their steel teeth ripping through my skin. "You're going to beat him by coming the type of man you're trying to capture?"_

_"I'm nothing like Kira!" Mello yelled, spitting out the poisonous name with loathing. "I'm going to put him away!"_

_"With killing?" I snapped, but Mello only glared down at me with a sneer._

_"With justice."_

More time passed, new leads and twists arriving daily, often resulting in nothing more than cold, purposeless trails.

The people also began changing.

Matt never lost his passion for games, often sneaking off to fiddle with a level or two whenever Mello wasn't around to drag him back to his computer. Those goggles were still perched precariously on his head, and his striped wardrobe was common. However, he began smoking ardently, always having a filthy cigarette hanging out on his lips when he worked.

I myself did not alter much. My light-colored hair reached just beneath my shoulders, while my skin stayed tan and my eyes, blue. The opinion I had towards the case stayed bitter and resentful, while the feeling I had towards Mello multiplied like mocking, indestructible insects.

Mello was the one that changed the most. His clothes had already shifted to leather vests and pants, expensive jackets and silver-laced, biker-boots. His attitude grew more unbalanced and obsessive, and his patience diminished to almost nothing. The only thing that didn't change was his constant need for chocolate.

_"Are you ever going to tell me," I inquired tiredly, taking a break from the mountains of work by my weary laptop, "why you eat so much chocolate?"_

_Mello glanced up at me with a glower, unmoving the bar from his mouth with a guilty twitch._

_"It's none of your business," he retaliated childishly, skimming over the document in front of him with a critical eye._

_"Come on Mello," I moaned, resting my head on my hands with a small yawn, desperate for something to converse about besides facts and probabilities. "I'll tell you something; fair is fair."_

_Mello studied me for a while in silence._

_"Okay," he relented, resting his chin on one hand. "Why do you want to know so badly?"_

_"Because," I stumbled, Mello waiting impatiently for my response._

_"Because I care about you, Mello."_

_He froze, mouth hanging open slightly an revealing rows of dazzling white teeth._

_"I eat chocolate," he finally said, his eyes never leaving my slightly flushed face, "because I need to."_

_"Why?" I wanted more, but Mello stood up and brushed past me, pushing me to the side roughly with one shoulder._

_"Two questions wasn't the deal."_

I didn't know what to think of Mello anymore.

Meeting his teal eyes, sometimes flashing in anger or shining with secrets, sent an uncomfortable shiver down my spine, causing me to feel a need to look away or back down. If I happened to accidentally touch his hand while transferring files or just moving past him in the hall, my skin would tingle for minutes afterward until I forced the feeling away. Sometimes just glancing at him across the room or glimpsing that innocent lie of blonde hair out of the corner of my eye was enough to send my pulse racing uncomfortably.

Even when he wasn't around, thoughts of him floated around my mind, always in the back of my subconscious like a type of festering parasite. Everything about him seemed so hopeless, so desperate and yet so meant to fail. He had been born second best, cursed with this insatiable need for praise and to succeed among everyone else. Someone with that much drive and effort was made to accomplish their goals, but somehow it seemed an aura of failure had attached itself to Mello, dragging him down into the cloudy depths no matter how much he struggled to gasp a breath of fresh air.

I wanted to help him win, for once.

_I was burrowed under my desk, frantically trying to find a stray piece of paper that had floated through a crack in the wood. Letting out a frustrated sigh, I cursed under my breath as it caused a few scraps to blow into my face. I continued rummaging through whatever had collected underneath that tiny space, something sticky finally catching on my hand. Pulling it back with a disgusted groan, I found a chocolate wrapping attached to my palm._

_Popping my head over the edge of the desk, I glared at Mello where he was lounging across the room, staring at the ceiling in a wide-eyed trance._

_"How did this get under my desk?" I called out, waving my befouled limb rapidly to catch his attention. He started, his eyes shrinking back to their normal size before focusing on the brown and silver paper stuck to my skin._

_"I don't know," he growled shortly, sitting up with a lithe stretch._

_"If you're going to eat all that you should at least clean up after yourself," I huffed, staring down at the alien attached to my fingers with a frown._

_"Just clean it up," Mello dismissed, standing and striding toward the doorway, passing my desk with a shallow smirk. Narrowing my eyes as he moved by, I reached out and slapped the foul wrapper on Mello's thigh, letting out a stifled snicker before disappearing back under my desk._

_There was nothing but silence, only broken by my rustling of papers awkwardly._

_"Hey!" Mello ordered, and I peeked my head out cautiously, unprepared for the foil that was slammed straight onto my face. Grimacing, I peeled it off with revulsion to find Mello's eyes glittering at me playfully. His face froze for a moment, teeth gnawing on his lower lip methodically before he spoke again._

_"Why'd you come here with Matt anyway?"_

_I glanced up at him with a questioning glance, ignoring how my heart skipped a beat as I climbed out from under my desk._

_"I wanted to help with the case," I explained, dusting myself off and picking stray pieces of paper off my dark jeans._

_"You could've gone to Near," he corrected, leaning on the desk and fixing me with a fierce look. I nodded half-heartedly, pushing some hair behind my ear to keep my nerves in order._

_"I don't really know Near though," I stated, but Mello only rolled his eyes to confirm his disbelief._

_"You always complain about how I run my investigation," Mello condemned, chewing on his lip again. "So why'd you join it?"_

_I wiped my sweaty palms on the sides of my dark jeans, trying to relax as I fiddled with a stray pen on the top of my desk._

_"I just...want you to beat Near," I submitted, dropping the tool back on the wood with a small thump. "That's all."_

_For a moment, he paused, stopping with his antsy movements just as I had halted my own._

_"Do you think I..." he shook his head angrily, his eyes morphing into his furious slits. "Forget it."_

_"You'll win Mello," I stated, earning a shocked look from the other. "You will."_

_He pushed off the desk and strode away, hands planted on his hips._

_"I know that!"_

_I smiled slightly, because I had seen a second of happiness shining in those veiled eyes._

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_Author's Note : _Thank you so much to the ones who reviewed. I thought I wasn't going to get any at all, so I'm so thankful. That's always why I decided to put this chapter up early, so don't expect such quick updates from me in the future ;)... Unless I get a few more reviews. Thanks for reading, and please review._  
_


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer : I do not own Death Note or anything associated, because if I did, it would be in color so I wouldn't have to spend half an hour trying to discover what color Matt's eyes are.

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.:. Chapter 3 .:.

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As we shed our years during the case like flimsy skins, it seemed that our meager youth was forgotten, traded for a hardened shell of false maturity. Our already rare smiles dimmed to only jaded mimics of their former selves, like trying to imitate the sun with weak, artificial light; besides Mello, who always had his hatefully confident smirk to fall back on. The rowdy laughter of growing teenagers that was supposed to fill the air until people were sickened by it never appeared, only weak chuckles that might tumble out of our mouths at unexpected moments.

Out of the three of us, Matt was the best at cracking open these shells, easing out the remains of who we were with eager hands. He never seemed as affected by the toxin that lay hiding in the floor, the computers, and simply everywhere we were forced to tread. Maybe it was because his adoration for those video games kept the immaturity locked inside of him to an extent that he could share it with the needy ones. Possibly it was the optimistic, almost passive attitude that never deteriorated from his being.

Whatever it was, it probably saved our lives.

_"Here," Matt offered, holding up the gray controller to where I stood, welcoming me to join him on the floor, lying in front of the barely functioning television we had maintained. I smoothed down my burgundy sweatshirt, kneeling next to him and taking the console as I welcomed the somewhat familiar weight in my hand. Matt blinked up at Mello, fixing him with a meaningful glance as he held up the other._

_"We should be working on the case, Matt!" Mello protested, frowning as he just barely caught the piece of machinery ready to smack him between the eyes._

_"Just play," Matt ordered, turning on the system and watching the little red light glitter with contentment before raising an eyebrow at Mello's stern face._

_"Or are you afraid to lose?"_

_About five seconds later both boys practically had their noses pressed against the glass, screaming curses and obscenities while virtually ripping off limps and stomping each other into the ground. I had retreated into the back of the room after the first round, forfeiting to Mello immediately when his first move sent my soldier sixty feet into the air, only to hit the rock with enough to force to reduce him to a smoldering pile of ash._

_"Move, dammit!" Mello commanded frantically as his warrior was tossed into the wall by Matt's, its purple armor cracking slightly to lower defense. Matt let out a whoop of victory as Mello's health bar fell down a few points, but this quickly morphed into despair as his player was slashed across its chest, a red gash glowing in warning as his player began to flash from lack of life._

_"Ha!" Mello gloated, shooting Matt a prideful smirk as the other struggled to keep his soldier on its wobbling legs. Matt's dismayed look changed into perfect concentration as his fingers became a blur, moving too fast with secret combos and cheats that I didn't even know existed. Mello stared at him in shock, snapping his head to the screen as his player erupted into thousands of tiny microscopic cells, the words 'PLAYER 1 WINS' flashing across the screen victoriously._

_Matt laid down his controller with a pleased sigh, trailing his muddy eyes over to Mello's face. Upon noticing the snarl that was embedded into his features, he gave me a meaningful look before excusing himself, muttering something about getting a drink. I watched his retreating back nervously, giving Mello's twitching form a cautious glance before inching towards him with apprehension._

_"You...played well," I finally blundered, tilting my head so I could see his face, which was contorted with frustration. The glow of the screen reflected in his expressive eyes, the constricted pupils dashing across the screen as Matt's player stuck out its tongue towards him._

_"I lost," he stated forcefully, spitting out each word with its own thick coat of toxic venom._

_"It's just a game - " I began, hoping to assure him, but he turned his head to me viciously, one peek at his face enough to silence my tongue._

_"This is all a game!" He practically shouted. "Who gets to Kira first! Who's the best! It's just a game, and if I lose to Matt, I'm sure to lose to Near!"_

_"Matt plays video games all the time!" I countered, pointing to the game cartridges that littered the redhead's work space. "It's what he does! Just because you can't beat him at it every time doesn't mean anything!"_

_"How do you know?" he pressed, throwing himself forward and fixing me with a focused look._

_"Mello," I repeated placidly, subconsciously placing my hand atop his, which was clenched into an uncomfortable fist. "It's just a silly little game, and you can play Matt later and throttle him. Don't take everything so seriously. Don't you ever just want to live for a second, to have some fun and forget that there's a whole mess outside ready to suck you in?"_

_Neither one of us spoke for a minute, and even though the thought didn't really seem to process, his hand relaxed underneath my shy touch._

_Matt walked back into the room, a half-filled water bottle raised to his open lips. Lowering his drink, he wiped his mouth and gestured over towards us with a, "What's up with that?"_

_Looking down, I yanked my hand back immediately, ignoring the way my face began dying red and the odd look Mello was still bestowing upon my blushing features. When Matt cleared his throat again, Mello grabbed his controller and pressed the start button roughly._

_"Let's go."_

Even though the dents in our emotionless facades stopped our souls from completely freezing over, the moments that whatever childlike moment we retained burst out were few and rare. When they did appear, they often exploded in a rush of insanity and instability, all the joy and happiness we barely expressed erupting from us like fireworks.

And even though they seemed uncontrollable and random, they helped our true selves shine through. It made us closer than we ever would have been without.

_Frosty invaders were clinging to the glass, climbing up the poorly carved window with stubborn icy fingers. Glancing up from the unstable stool where I had been perched, I laid down the worn documents in favor of watching the snowflakes dance through the gentle wind._

_"Hey, Matt," I called across the room, the one in question spinning on his chair to face me. I pointed towards the window with a small smile, already excited with the childish glee that had not yet disappeared with age. Matt grinned, walking over to the window and looking out, his shaggy auburn hair sticking to the moist surface._

_"Think we can make it?" he asked in a hushed tone, and I raised an eyebrow in understanding. Tracing the room with my peripheral vision carefully, I only detected a few hunched over figures in the corner, way too muscular and wide to be our captor._

_"Definitely," I confirmed, and Matt stepped away from the window, tying his green and white scarf securely around his neck before motioning for the two of us to head towards the door. We meandered to the exit innocently, opening it rapidly and disappearing into the chilled, biting fresh air._

_The snow was already covering the ground, and our feet sunk into the powder up to our ankles as we tumbled into the freezing mass. Our robust laughter filled the air, knocking away the poor snowflakes with its booming volume._

_Dipping my shivering hand into the snow, I scooped out a snowball hurridly, smoothing down the sides until it was as close to perfect I could get with my clumsy fingers. I lifted my head, spotting a flash of green before an enemy snowball hit me in the face, white filling my vision as my cheeks began to numb._

_"Hey!" I shrieked, wiping my face with my free hand while Matt just rolled around with laughter, gathering projectiles in his hands with a challenge._

_"Bring it!"_

_I ducked down as another missile headed towards me, drawing back my arm and shooting my own weapon forward to connect with Matt's surprised face. Before I could release a cheer of victory two snowballs smashed into my chest, causing me to trip and fall onto my knees into the snow. Quickly creating another snowball, I tossed it blindly just in time to hear an irritated voice call out,_

_"What are you two doing?"_

_A wet slap crashed through the hushed air, and when I brushed a few clumps of snow from my damp bangs, I could finally see what happened. The first thing I noticed was the blonde hair, dusted with icy snowflakes, and the dark as sin clothing that seemed to spill across the innocent, naive field. Glancing towards Matt worriedly, we both snuck towards each other as Mello raised a hand to scrap the remains of my snowball from his flushed face._

_"Who threw that?" he snarled, but his only answer was another two snowballs to the face. Giggling maniacally, Matt and I ducked down into the mounds of snow as Mello accepted the competition, throwing down his own share of frigid firearms._

_The war began two to one, but the sides altered so repeatedly that no one could keep track. I threw my defenses at anyone I could make out in the blustering blizzard, grinning when I made hits and jumping down when I missed. After a while my fingers became completely numb and useless, and when I spun around, I was faced with Matt, ready and armed._

_"Oh come on," I pleaded, but he only showed a tiny smile before rushing forward, and I fled, bracing myself for a chilling impact. Instead, I felt hands press into my back and push me forwards uncontrollably, and I flailed out awkwardly, noticing teal eyes widening just in time to crash into their owner._

_I clung to Mello's vest as we went down, letting out a tiny scream as our bodies hit the ground, stony from the layers of ice that had frozen atop it._

_Opening my blue eyes, which previously had been scrunched up in unnecessary fear, I peeked out slowly like a rabbit poking its nose out after the first hint of spring. Mello's own eyes were only inches away, gazing into my own with a glassy, distracted look. His arms were wrapped loosely around my back, an obvious reflex for when I had slammed into him, and I was thankful for my already heated face, kindly shielding my embarrassment._

_Mumbling a repeated apology like a scratched record, I moved my hips to roll off of him, but the arms around me didn't budge. Glancing back at Mello's amused face, I noticed the sneaky smirk plastered on his face, revealing nothing that could soothe my bewilderment._

_I watched his mouth open to say something, my own heart suddenly beating erratically and again I blushed, hoping he couldn't feel it through the thin layers that separated us. Before he could say anything, two perfectly aimed snowballs collided with our faces, and we both shot our heads towards Matt's direction, where the said boy had fallen down from the laughter bubbling out of his mouth ferociously._

_"Matt! I'm going to kill you!"_

Winter was a divided season, half of its patrons dedicating themselves to jovial activities while the other focused on a darker, or perhaps to them brighter aspect; religion. The holidays and supposed meaning of the season affected everyone, in one way or another, whether they embraced it whole heartedly or rejected it with their entire being. Even while half of the population dances with joy and jubilation as the later months decay the warmer counterparts, not all people could bask in its chilly endeavors.

Faith is not something everyone possesses. It is difficult to believe, and to trust, after so much disappointment and failure in life. Sometimes, everything just hurts too much, and we don't want to hope for things that we know won't come true.

Religion itself is based on this, this blind leap into invisible, supposedly waiting arms that would clutch you to an unseen breast and protect your soul with all its might. By placing your alliance, and your fidelity, in a regent formed from needy thoughts and desperate protection, there must be a complete promise inside. With these ideas covering the masses with a sticky film, it is strenuous to free oneself from gazing at the world through rose-colored glasses.

I didn't believe in what most would call religion. I wasn't Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, or any other category that upheld its gods and miracles, and in fact, I wasn't sure if I even thought of humans having a greater purpose. I supposed there was some sort of superior being, an ultimate god, who had created the world and its conflicting populations before retreating to its safe cocoon in the heavens. It seemed foolish to think of it as a parental figure, a father. What guardian would watch the world become so dilapidated and broken, allowing a bloody reign of confusion and terror sweep across the earth and suffocate its purity?

I don't know if Matt is a believer, or a follower of some distant faith. I never see him read the Bible, or any other religious text, and nor do I ever watch him kneel beside his bed and pray. If he had a master, it must be those battery companies that keep his games stimulating, and the Devil must curse him whenever the screen dies black.

What complexes me the most in the area of worship and faith is the thin chain of silver that is wound across Mello's neck.

A cross.

Mello's always failed, constantly fallen behind into the background of black and white while Near barely cared that he himself stood in the technicolor center. If there was any one of us that had a right to relinquish the idea of a savior, it would be Mello, at least it seemed to me that's how his mind would reason. Yet, even if it was a quiet statement hidden behind layers of roughened leather, maybe he was clinging to it.

_The silver bell smashed against the opened door, tangled in its metal noose while it let out a delicate cry. As I exited the store, I pulled my light cotton jacket tighter around me from the chilled edge that had frozen the air. Yowls and jeers from the racing wind surrounded the passersby like painful static, its invisible hands yanking off a hat from a small boy's head, adding his cries to the noise. Tossing the bag of groceries and whatever else it was decided we needed over my shoulder, I headed back towards the base inconspicuously, easily blending into the shadows of the street corners._

_As I trudged through the crowds, a shiny glint caught my eye, temporary blinding me as the sun reflected into my unprotected irises. Blinking and wiping the tears that had collected in the corners, I peered towards the source intently._

_It was a zipper, its metallic color glowing in the bright rays and contrasting horribly with the black material of a vest. Surprise flooded me eagerly as I took in veils of blonde hair shielding a suspicious face, dark eyes shifting back and forth across the street. Curiosity urging me forward, I changed direction and followed stealthily, careful to stay a few people behind at all times and using larger forms to conceal myself._

_Mello finally began to slow his rapid pace, stopping in front of an impeccably kept building, the outside painted a blatant white. He continued his stride, suddenly quickening it as he sauntered through the door, his charcoal clothing imprinting noticeably against the snowy exterior. I complied with apprehensive steps, noticing that the walls were actually carved of multitudes of pure bricks covered with colorless paint, and this sent my logic reeling. It was only when I neared even closer that I noticed the large windows, the glass chopped into blues, greens and reds._

_It was a church._

_Luckily, when I forced open the door its hinges stayed silent, and when I peeked inside it was easy to locate Mello's onyx form. He stood in the very center of the room, his somber garb sticking out against the shining mahogany pews and the fresh red carpet. As the light from the stained glass filtered through his yellow hair, the color grew tainted with the a dull viridian glow._

_I snuck soundlessly to the right until I could see Mello's face, his slanted eyes wide and bottomless as they stared upwards. I too turned my gaze to where his attention had focused._

_Mounted before him, chipped into shape out of rich, almost sparkling wood, was the Christian Messiah, his head impaled with the customary crown of bleeding, symbolic thorns. The face, even with its anguished cry, was welcoming and at peace, meeting Mello's eyes with characteristic benevolence._

_"You're a big lie, you know that."_

_Mello's voice bounded off the thick walls, echoing thorough the sloping ceiling with its condemning authority. Falling quiet again, he untucked a bar of chocolate from his pocket, biting into it rudely before glaring back up towards the structure, almost radiating disrespect and contempt._

_"You're supposed to be a savior," he whispered, emitting a dry, humorless laugh as he bit into his candy again, the crack slicing through the air. Chewing thoughtfully for a few seconds, he questioned venomously,_

_"Then why am I still this...pathetic."_

_"They told me to always believe you, to give and then receive," he hissed spitefully, his tone sarcastic and mocking. "When are you going to prove it?"_

_"What's the point of praying if all I get is another dead-end!" Mello shouted, stepping closer to a face that suddenly seemed mocking. "Why do I try and always fail! You're the one in control! Why can't you let me succeed!"_

_He shot his bare hand to his throat, tearing off the burning chain that resided there and holding it out as if in offering._

_"When is this blind faith going to give me Kira?" he shrieked crazily, his eyes huge and wild as he shook the sterling band, the cross shaking violently from the uncontrolled force. "How is it going to bring Near to his knees with me on top? How!"_

_Forcing out a animalistic yell, Mello rejected the symbol, letting it fly through the air until it hit the wooden cross before him and fell to the floor with the lightest sound._

_"It was stupid to trust in you," Mello spat, his tone overtaken with a deadly calm. "Near would never be so foolish. There's no one to trust in but myself, and only then will I take what should've been mine since the beginning."_

_He spun on his heel, preparing to leave with one quick, fluid motion, leaving me no period of time to cloak my intrusion. His eyes narrowed on my guilty face and then hardened, vehemence sizzling through the air and wracking my nerves._

_"What are you doing here?" he commanded, his mouth twisting into a tormented scowl. I opened my mouth to answer but nothing came out, my lips only parted unintelligently as I gaped, my heart pounding frightened in my chest. When the response he wanted did not appear, he let out a growl, and the next thing I knew I was staring down the scuffed barrel of a .22 LR._

_"Why don't you ever give me a straight answer?" he scowled, griping his pistol so tightly I wondered if the handle would crack beneath his unsteady fingers._

_"Why did you really join my side? Why are you always watching everything I do? What do you want!"_

_When all his anger met was silence, his finger itched towards the trigger hastily, and I felt my pulse rushing in my ears, blocking out everything else besides the panic. My tongue felt too thick in my mouth, immobile and completely useless._

_After watching me for what must've only been a few seconds but felt years longer, he lowered the firearm with all the anger washed out of his features. For a few more seconds, he simply took me in, the fury in his eyes morphing into something softer._

_Without warning, he stomped away, the metal weapon hanging from his wrist with a threat as he charged through the doors, banging them open to ruin the pristine walls with dents and scratches._

_I could only look at his back as he disappeared, my lost voice finally returning from wherever it had fled under the intensity of Mello's hollow eyes._

_"I just want...you to be happy."_

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_ Author's Note : _Ugh, such a boring chapter :( . This was brutal for me to write, and I really have no idea why. If it wasn't for my friend helping and supporting this, I don't know if I'd have ever finished. The thing about this chapter is, it has a different purpose than the others. They were to show a passage of time, and this is to show not only a different side of the characters, but the building of relationships.

In case the discussion of religion offended anyone, Ivy's views are not my own. The characters beliefs are separate and unbiased.

Thank you so much to all who reviewed! It means so much to me!

I hope you enjoyed it all the same, and I promise it will get better than this. Please review! Thank you for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer : _I do not own Death Note, or anything associated.

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.:. Chapter Four .:.

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Information suddenly began leaking into our computers like golden coins flowing into a ministry's coiffeurs. Missing puzzle pieces rushed to fit into place, and the files that we handed Mello at the end of the day grew heavier and bulkier, even becoming difficult to carry after some time. The dangerous glow that had resided in the corner of his eyes sparkled more everyday while he consumed almost twice his average amount of chocolate. We could all feel something decisive in the air, an electric buzz that struck us on edge with anticipation.

It was only a matter of time before that one sliver of information was found, that minute pebble that was kicked into a tranquil pond, slipping in eagerly and sending out turbulent ripples to shake the waters. Mello had snatched the knowledge up greedily, his hands appearing to even shake while he stared at the mass of words on the screen.

I still remember the way he laughed, the unbalanced timbre, a chilling mixture of menace and euphoria that I had never known before. He was everywhere after that, wearing down the keys of the computers and burning out their circuits with his fervor, the obsession resuming its proper place in his life proudly, a sovereign who had long been dormant.

Like a storm shifting from rain to sleet, Mello's emotions changed rapidly in their fickle ranks, and the looks he sent my way became uneasy and almost disturbed. There were short moments where the pressure on my back from restless eyes almost made me snap, but when I turned to question it, the culprit was always gone.

_"You two!" Mello howled as he strode into the space between Matt's desk and my own cluttered workspace. Matt let his cigarette drop to the floor, taking the initiative to stomp out the burning end into dust._

_"Yeah?" he answered while Mello wrinkled his nose at the smoky mess by his feet. Turning his attention back to our haggard but questioning faces, he brushed some hair off his shoulder in a gesture of impatience._

_"Come on," he ordered, motioning for us to follow before slamming open one of the doors and stepping outside._

_"Where are we-" I called out hastily, but a harsh bang from the door swinging shut on its hinges was the only response I received._

_"Going," I finished with a sigh, standing and sliding my arms into the gray jacket that had been slung lazily over my chair. Matt yanked on a viridian sweatshirt before placing a hand on my shoulder in an understanding that made me pause._

_"Let's go," he offered, smiling slightly as I frowned in comparison. "We should get out there before he blows a fuse and ends up shooting someone."_

_I submitted with a nod, the two of us ambling to the door, which had finally halted its reckless swinging. As we headed outside, the only sound was the abrupt noise as Mello unzipped and closed the zipper of his sweatshirt repeatedly._

_"Took you long enough," Mello complained, his motorcycle helmet clutched in his hands while he leaned on the metal beast itself. _

_"We going somewhere?" Matt inquired lazily, taking the hint from Mello and donning his glossy black helmet, straddling his bike as the other explained._

_"I'm taking you both to a hotel," Mello elaborated, jerking a casual thumb in my direction. "You stay there indefinitely. Things are going to get busy here soon, and I don't want you distracted."_

_"What kind of-" I started, but my voice was abruptly cut off by the rumbling of a freshly started motorcycle. Mello flashed a smug, omniscient smirk at my agitation._

_"Get on-" he motioned, interrupted himself for once when Matt yelled over the roar of his engine,_

_"Let's go Ivy!"_

_I turned my head in question, unprepared for the playful arm slipping around my waist and hoisting me onto the cool seat. Shrieking in surprise, I wrapped my arms around Matt reflexively, the one in question chuckling jovially._

_Flipping my head around, I caught a glimpse of a furious snarl before Mello leaped on his bike to avoid being left behind, allowing a chocolate bar to drop onto the ground in his wake._

I knew this was all a lie. Our basic computer hacking and retrieval meant little now if that gleam in Mello's eyes was present. It meant mischief, trickery, and in all, the worse faucets of Mello's character. I knew this time it was something worse than kicking a battered soccer ball at an unsuspecting orphan's head.

I think he didn't want me to know what he was doing, the faults he was committing, the murderous world he had finally molded with. Matt would've accepted it all with an instant, and eventually did, because he had no purpose but to follow Mello now. Still, in order for Mello to slip that notebook into his waiting hands, as anyone could tell he planned, it was obvious that lives would be sacrificed, lies would be uttered, and whatever innocence would be sold.

Whether or not it was naive or just plain stupid, these things, to me, were wrong. Since the start I had stood my ground on this issue, seemingly the only one who was content with herself and what she possessed. The only reason I've stayed here, and I know that it's true, is for Mello. However, even if all I want more than anything now is to see him content, I will not kill for him.

I'm human after all, and my conscience hasn't burnt out.

So, while Mello thought he could keep my eyes shaded by moving Matt and I like cargo to some distant hotel room across the city, it was easy enough to find ways back into that warehouse. The men knew me, and all it took was a simple command for the locks to slide back and the doors to open. If they had been more intelligent perhaps, they wouldn't have allowed me entrance so easily, but these were neanderthals, idiotic beings only kept around for muscle and underground connections. It was thanks to the low intellect of thesepathetic oafs that allowed me to sneak inside and stay up-to-date on Mello's plans, however encrypted and well shielded they were. Even with heated incidents, maybe I should've offered those pions thanks.

_I shifted through the mess of files in Mello's workspace, carefully keeping each paper exactly as I left it while I tore through every pile. My brow furrowed as I grabbed one slightly worn piece, the faded material showing common handling and thus importance. While my squinted eyes scanned the page, several words jumped out at me; deputy director, Kira, notebook. A creeping foreboding slithered down my spine, and the letters began growing fuzzy as I stared at them too long. _

_Easing the file back into place gently, I turned around, ready to depart, when I discovered dozens of focused eyes ready to greet me. About half of Mello's gang were distributed around in a sloppy circle, their wide eyes and stretched grins shouting something perilous. _

_"We've been working real hard haven't we?" One of them chuckled darkly, poking the man next to him suggestively in the side. "Bought time we took a break, don't you think?"_

_"I don't know..." the other one drawled, scratching the back of his neck in concern that was obviously fake. "The boss might not like that."_

_"You know what though?" A member across the circle called out incredulously. "I don't think Mello's here right at the moment."_

_"Oh really?" A heavily muscular being laughed deeply, eyes glittering predatorily. "I'm sure he wouldn't mind us having a bit of fun."_

_The other men grumbled in agreement, their rancid voices growing in volume until the sheer pressure of it burned my ears. I could feel my pulse jumping with nervous apprehension. My inner voice was screaming at me to get out of there, to run out with abandon no matter how foolish it might be._

_"Excuse me," I mumbled carefully, trying to edge my way through the wall of bulky bodies that only grew more tightly knit. Large fingers dug into my upper arm remorselessly, halting my movements without effort as teasing warbles crawled through the air._

_"Let go," I ordered as I pulled at the digits embedded into my skin, taking in a quick breath from the slight pain as jagged nails drew blood. The one holding me raised a filthy hand to pull at the few pale hairs that had fallen out of my braid._

_"Why should I?" he ridiculed with a sick grin while I yanked my hair from his grasp. "We haven't had anything fun to do for days. It's about time we've livened things up, don't -"_

_A shot rang out, and the grizzly voice faded in its throat, coming out as a faint gurgle before dying completely. The grip on my arm grew slack, and when I turned, it was just in time to watch the body hit the floor, those dull brown eyes glazed over while fresh crimson spilled down the side of his head._

_"What do you think you're doing?"_

_Every head shot towards the front of the room, where a furious figure stood with his arm outstretched, taut fingers clenched around the grip with the silver barrel smoking. The glare in his eyes were one of the most demonic I've ever seen, and the snarl on his lips was twisted and animalistic. Without lowering the firearm, he stepped closer, refocusing the gun to someone on my right, locking it ready without a blink._

_"Hey, hey! Calm down Mello! We were just playing around,"a tall man to the left of me shouted, scrunching my face into a smile while I squirmed. In less than a second he was on the ground, blood pooling out onto the fouled floor. _

_"Get out!" Mello hissed, the low intensity in his voice worse than any shouting he could've unleashed. The room emptied rapidly, the only ones remaining were Mello, myself, and the two corpses on the floor. _

_"What are you doing here?" he questioned, finally lowering his arm and walking closer. I lowered my eyes guiltily, ignoring the urge to glance toward the betraying pile of files._

_"I forgot a disk I needed," I explained, "It had a program on it that-"_

_"Don't lie to me!" He shouted, throwing the gun onto the ground with such force that it skidded across the room, slamming into the wall with a metallic bang. "I told you to stay in that hotel room with Matt!"_

_"If I needed to come back, I needed to come back," I shot back, feeling myself growing angry. _

_"Then you should've called me!" Mello yelled, his blonde hair flying around his enraged face. "I don't want you in here without my knowledge!"_

_"When did you gain the right to lock me up?" I shrieked back, stomping over to where he held his ground. Mello rose to meet the challenge, meeting me half way, but I refused to back down._

_"Since you obviously can't protect yourself!" He scowled, grabbing my arm and holding it up so it was in both our views. "Look at what just happened! Do you know what they could've done to you?"_

_"Of course I know!" I cried, trying to pull my arm from his grip, but it only caused his hand to slide over the nail-prints and I flinched. "That doesn't give you the right-"_

_"What would you have done if I wasn't here?" Mello went on, shaking me slightly. "You could be dead now!"_

_"Okay!" I relented, still working on ripping my arm out of his grasp and ignoring the almost offended look that raced across his murderous face. I glowered at him as I stepped backwards, "What would it have even mattered? You have Matt to pick up my work if anything happens. You think I'm dead weight anyway!"_

_I shifted my face away, humiliation flushing my cheeks. What was there to be ashamed of though; it was the truth. What did I matter to Mello, besides another crutch to deal with? Whether I cared about him or not, the only use I could have for Mello was for retrieving information, and once that task was completed, I would be easy to forget._

_"Don't...you're not worthless," Mello replied with a huffed sigh, his tone noticeably softer as the fingers on my arm lightened their pressure. "Just..."_

_He raised his other hand to his head, brushing his hair aside awkwardly._

_"You've contributed to the case," Mello muttered, allowing my arm to fall back down to my side. _

_"I don't want to just help the case," I whispered, more to myself than to the one opposite me. "I want..."_

_Realizing what I was saying, I pulled back, grabbing a random disk off Mello's desk before heading towards the door, my spirits low and bruised._

_"I won't be back without your permission, so you don't have to worry. I know you have more important things to think about," I confirmed, trying to sound detached but rather self-pitying. It was something everyone has to indulge in once and a while, or else that's what I told myself after leaving when there was no response from Mello._

_But then again, I hadn't really been expecting one._

Things stayed strained for a while between Mello and I, mostly by my own fault. I shied out of his way when he came to the apartment, doing my utmost to ignore his presence as I was sure he wanted to avoid my own. I felt dejected, more through a fault of my design than Mello's, but it was enough.

I knew that what Mello had done was kind, nothing less than saving me from a force that had been too large for me to handle. However, I wanted it to be for more than just the case. I wanted to matter as a person, not a tool. I had sacrificed years of my life for Mello, but I wasn't asking him to love me. I just wanted him to see me, to just...feel like I was worth caring for, even just as a friend.

It wasn't that much of a wish for someone I had known for almost my entire life, but for Mello, it seemed unobtainable. Don't try to understand why it was so important, why Mello was so important. It just was, it mattered to me, as ridiculous as it was. I just kept hoping that one day, by some incredible force of luck, he would understand that.

_"Stop it."_

_For the first time in what felt like weeks, I flipped ar__ound to see Mello standing behind me, hands buried into the pockets of his tight black pants._

_"I don't know why you're ignoring me, but cut it out," Mello ordered, a scowl sinking into his features as he bit into a piece of chocolate. "It's annoying._

_My mouth opened, but only to ask the word, "Why?"_

_"I don't like it," he admitted slowly, swallowing. "Don't bug me about it, just...start talking to me again." _

_I couldn't help it; I smiled._

_"Okay."_

_"Good."_

There was a balance after that, and I was happy. Yet, it didn't mean I was going to step back and let things run unnoticed. After a while, I managed to hack my way into the right files, slip into the correct networks. I kept as up-to-date on the case as possible, and I don't regret it, even after what it unveiled.

You see, somehow, I had convinced myself that our mediocre facade of happiness would last forever, but of course I was wrong. Our contentment was like an imperfect mirror, shard after shard dropping to the floor and erasing all joy with something terrible. When you tried to view your reflection, all you were given was a horrid, gnarled creature that should've stayed in the shadows. It told the truth though, and that I could not deny; the monsters inside of us were growing, eager for a bloodthirsty freedom.

Matt, Mello and myself each had our own demons, as every human must. But, everyone contains even the tiniest wisps of light to keep them at bay. Matt's flame was very bright and unrelenting, dominating the two halves of his being. My own was enough to sustain me, perhaps the most desperate to burn of the three of us.

Mello used to posses a great deal of light, glowing throughout his soul with only the outskirts of darkness. Even at the orphanage, when his actions were hurtful and careless, and he spent his days torturing the children who ignored him; he was not evil. At times he was spiteful, such as pushing Near into the wall when the grades were divvied out; or he might be violent, sometimes kicking a ball into a boy's face with remorseless laughter. Mello could be sadistic, tyrannical, monstrous, bitting, acrid, and paradoxical, but never evil.

Now, all that light had been eaten and ripped away, just the weakest embers struggling to breath in the suffocating enmity. Despite this, there was always a chance of any of us tripping and falling, whatever remained inside of us dying out completely.

Mello just fell first.

Even now it stuns me. I hadn't seen it, any of it. Perhaps it was foolish schoolgirl trust, but I had turned a blind eye to what was actually happening around me, deciding like a child to see only that which would make me happy. I was a rabbit trapped in a fox's den, refusing to notice the vicious predator near, instead I was entranced by the peaceful blade of grass between my paws.

I should've remembered this was Mello's show, his turn to fulfill the lust for vengeance raging inside his barren heart. The rest of us were just frail ships on that sea of turmoil, tossed and crushed by malevolent waves at will. Nothing would stand in his way, no matter what that meant.

Mello didn't care about the worlds he caved in, the blood he spilt, or the hearts he ceased to beat. Every sin that plagued his battered soul was just in his warped eyes, because in the end, he believed the prize was his to win, that he deserved it and everyone else was just a pawn to throw between his hands. No one called him on it, not those mindless drones with their bawdy laughter, trailing after their immature master without question. Nor did Matt, who cared not the means, just content with assisting his friend in whatever way he could, morales aside. That's why once he was called on this, the second Mello was forced to see the darkness that was his mortal soul, he couldn't stand it.

_"Mello!" I shouted, running after his retreating form, his back tense as he traded a casual gait for a stiff stride. He did not stop as I stormed after him, the crashing thunder of my footsteps cracking the weak plaster of the walls._

_"Mello! You can't do this!" I called out again, finally catching up to that accursed figure of black straining to disappear. Mello glanced at me over his shoulder, teal eyes narrowed and frigid, a malignant blizzard stirring in their depths. I almost wilted beneath his frozen stare, but I refused to back down after what he had done, what he planned on doing._

_Balling my restless hands into fists for courage, urging myself on with the faintest push of perseverance even as he dismissed me with the turn of his head, I cried,_

_"They're innocent people! You can't use their lives as it suits you!"_

_Mell didn't turn around again to meet my accusations, only taking a large bite of the sickly chocolate bar dangling from his vengeful lips._

_"It'll catch Kira," he snarled in defense, shoulders tightening in poorly masked agitation. "They involved themselves in the case, knowing the consequences-"_

_"Does that girl have a badge, Mello, because I haven't seen one."_

_Mello snarled, clenching his teeth dangerously as he snapped,_

_"Yagami knew his family would be at risk-"_

_"You can't pin this on his decisions!" I countered mercilessly, intent on tearing down every psychological excuse and barrier he had built up with his deranged mindset._

_"You're taking this family to hell and back for a stupid notebook that should be destroyed!"_

_"That notebook is the secret to caching Kira!" Mello hissed, cracking off another square piece of candy._

_"You don't want it to catch Kira! You want it yourself; you've admitted it!" I arraigned, watching his eyes harden cruelly with denial he didn't want to concede to._

_"You're selfish Mello! What right do you think you have to abuse people like this? The notebook is not meant to belong to you!" _

_Mello's face morphed into something smug but threatening, like a viper coiled in the grass, preparing for its next venomous murder without remorse._

_"They chose their sides. I'm getting that notebook no matter what it takes."_

_"You're not a god, Mello."_

_He paused, all the blood draining from his already pale face as he growled, this time all the force leaking out of it and dripping onto the waiting floor._

_"What?"_

_"You're using people to reach your own ends, sacrificing lives when you're supposed to be saving them. You attack others and rip their security apart like you have the right to do so..._

_Just like Kira."_

_My words crashed down upon his prejudiced ears, tearing down the confidence and narrow-minded shields that had protected them until this moment. _

_As Mello gaped at me, I could see this flashing in his eyes, almost like a projector was shining behind those clouded orbs._

_"I'm-"_

_This time it was me who turned my back on the other._

_"You always wanted to be L's successor. How ironic that you ended up being Kira's."_

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_Author's Note :_ I can' twait til I write the next chapter; it's definitely going to be my favorite. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. I wrote it at sporatic moments of freedom during school, and I tried to piece it together into something enjoyable, not just random fragments. Oh, and I just kind of wanted to say for a while, just so people know where my frame of mind is, to me, Mello's personality is sort of based on what voice he has, and he has no english one yet. So, in my head, he sounds like Steve Staley (Kadaj From Final Fantasy VII - Advent Children). Just so you know, because it sounds really cute in my mind :)

Jeez, you have no idea how many times I listened to "Mirror - BarlowGirl" while writing this thing.

I'm sorry for any spelling errors that I missed, but no one was on to proofread the work. Also, if this is really bad, I'll take it down later and edit it better.

Please review. Reviews mean faster updates, and a happier me. ;)


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer :_ I do not own Death Note, or anything associated. If I did, Matt would be in it more, because he has red hair, and redheads own. :)

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.:. Chapter Five .:.

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Even though it has been years since I've last seen him, I can still remember L. I could still see his wispy, uncouth raven hair, could still feel the excitement of catching a glimpse of that sight in the doorway. If I tried strenuously enough, I might conjure a memory of coal, guarded eyes that trailed over our group with only the slightest interest and no care. But I couldn't ever forget L; he had been imprinted into me from childhood. Every child at Wammy's bore his curse like a marking, a claim, burnt right into the skin into the flesh blistered and the blood boiled.

I hadn't thought about L, as a person and not as a haunting mindset, since I left the orphanage; I had found no reason too. Yet, lately, as Mello began mentally deforming himself into a hideous creature, he began to plague my thoughts like the disease he really was. When I sat down for a break, or lay in my bed at midnight, I could imagine the hunched over demon slinking his way through the halls, diverging the onlookers like Moses at the Red Sea.

I think L has been ghosting my reality because I can feel it, the climax of Mello in this case; it's just around the corner. The one moment where Mello's presence makes a bold statement and stuns his nemesis is rushing closer, but I don't feel content, nor optimistic.

Half of me doesn't want him to win this battle anymore.

Whether that's betrayal or not, I have not one care. With his actions and sins, Mello has proven to me what he plans for the world, a world that innocent people are inhabiting. He kills without mercy or remorse, maims without the least shred of guilt. He's a child with a magnifying glass, sizzling all the defenseless ants into cracked, smoking shells.

No one can rule the Earth like that.

The other, weaker half of myself, still prays for his victory, but perhaps without the fervor it once possessed.

And it is here where the specter of L reappearing inside of my mind makes sense, at least to me.

I cannot see L in Mello.

But I think I can see L in Near.

I did not interact much with Near at Wammy's. He was solitary and quiet, a boy suspended in a place of laughter and chaos that did not touch him. I can still picture him though, just barely. He had a self-curled head of frost-white hair, and pale, almost sickly skin. But when I try to picture his eyes, I cannot. I see L's eyes there instead, those bottomless, almost soulless pools of ebony that gazed out upon the world with closed blinds.

So I believe there is L in Near.

Near was unbiased like L, he was logical like L. The more I think about it, the less it seemed unfair that Mello wasn't chosen. The way I see him now, he would've led the world into inescapable ruin.

However, would he be like this if it wasn't for the fact of his rejection? Somehow, could his emotion and passion brought him more victories than L himself? Didn't he deserve it, just because he wanted it so much more than anyone else?

My thoughts have been torn apart by these arguments, and the debates are set off in my head everyday, even though I am aware my opinion does not matter.

But I know, when I see Mello and the light catches in his possessed eyes...

I see Kira in Mello.

_"It's mine Matt! I have it!" _

_ The door burst open, swinging on its poor hinges and crashing into the wall with a battle-torn shriek._

_ "Kira's notebook! Near's... lost, to me! I finally one-upped him!"_

_ Matt rushed forward while I stared, his orange goggles almost slipping off his brow as he rushed toward his friend. The cigarette balancing on his lips almost tumbled to the floor, instead only releasing a few dustings of ash onto the protesting floor._

_ "You really got it Mello?" Matt gaped slightly, looking over his shoulder as the other flipped through the pages, which from where I could see, seemed as ordinary as any school boy's. _

_ "It's mine..." Mello whispered, his voice hushed and almost in awe as he held it in his hands, treating it like a treasured artifact instead of a mass-killing weapon. Matt grinned and clapped him on the back in congratulations, staring at the notebook with a pleased look. I stayed in my chair, not taking my eyes off of Mello's smirking face._

_ "I'm going to win Matt...I'll be number one!"_

No good could come out of Mello's victory. Even though it was part of the goal we had been laboring toward for years, I could feel no joy. I didn't believe in Mello's cause anymore, and the love that still yearned in my heart was not enough to fill the emptiness and discontent.

I wanted to leave sometimes, to desert these people and this place and find someplace else, where death and dying was not my responsibility, my guilt because I could not stop it. But deep inside, I knew I could never walk out of that door while air still could be breathed into my lungs. I had tied my heart, my soul, to this place, as ridiculous as it was, and I could never find happiness outside of it.

I wondered sometimes what would happen if I did leave. Would Mello come after me; would he care? Would he be glad that I was gone, or not even notice until he called for a file?

I often felt like it was the latter.

I pushed him too far, expected too much from someone who expected nothing from me but the slightest intelligence and usefulness. My opinions didn't matter, my thoughts were just momentary playthings to take up space and time. It was my own fault. I knew from the beginning things would be this way, but I kept hoping...

I should've always remembered that angering Mello was like setting an entire forest alight; dangerous, out of control, and uncaring of who it scorches.

_"Matt... do you ever wonder what our lives would be like if we had parents?"_

_ Matt's fingers ceased on his handheld, only for a second, before he began pushing buttons again with an increased speed, his skilled digits almost a blur against the black plastic._

_ "Not really," he grunted, flicking some bothersome hair out of his eyes so he could watch as he unleashed several cheat-codes in the course of about a second. "We'd have gone to school, gotten boring jobs, just like everyone else."_

_ I dropped my chin in my palm, trying to reason out the sudden curiosity that was picking at my brain. _

_ "But don't you ever think about being normal teenagers, hanging out with actual friends instead of hiding behind computers all day?" I pressed, but Matt just shrugged his shoulders carelessly. _

_"If we were like them, we'd be brainwashed by Kira now," Matt stated, narrowing his eyes as light flashed on the screen. Allowing bitterness to seep into my voice without command, I grumbled out, _

_ "At least we wouldn't be brainwashed by Mello either."_

_ Matt_'s _fingers paused again, finally lifting up his head to take a glimpse at my guilty face before drawing his attention back to the game._

_ "You don't agree with Mello." _

_He stated it, without question, holding the door open and I rushed through. _

_"No!" I stood up, storming across and drawing open the shades on the window to peek out. "No, I don't!"_

_ "What he's doing is wrong Matt! You know it is! You can't go around killing people for yourself! Isn't that why we're on this case to begin with?" I poured out my discontent, my agitation, the true thoughts that ate away my soul like insatiable leeches under my skin. I knew he wouldn't judge me, betray me, and I wanted, needed, someone to agree with me instead of staring at me with those eyes, eyes that seemed to hate me when I spoke like this._

_ And I couldn't stand him hating me._

_ "Sometimes I just...I just want it to be over..." I muttered, leaning my head against the glass, wondering what life would be like down there below, where people could laugh and smile like there were no problems in the world. It was so funny, because I could just walk out onto that street, and yet I knew I could never bring myself to do it._

_ But I wish I had the strength to stop the next words from tumbling out of my blundering mouth. Partly because I didn't mean them, and partly because of what they would unleash._

_ "It doesn't even matter to me who wins anymore. Near can be the next stupid L for all I care. He'll probably win anyway; what's the point?"_

_ A familiar crack echoed through the room as the last word passed through my lips, and I tensed because I knew what would be waiting when I turned around._

_ Lifting my eyes allowing the length of the window, I saw the reflection furious eyes glaring at me, always present chocolate dangling from snarling, animalistic lips._

_ "Calm down, Mello," Matt spoke, noticing the dangerous shift in the air as he lowered the volume on his game, the almost reassuring beeping sounds fading into nothing. No other words were spoken as Mello stood there and I stood there._

_ I almost knew what he was thinking._

_ We were his friends, and this was his case. I should be subordinate to him as he led us, as Matt did without question. All his life people had placed him low, and we were supposed to support him in this venture, because ours was the only real faith he could count on. _

_ He must've thought I was a traitor. _

_ Mello opened his mouth to speak, but before he uttered his words, Matt slipped out of the room, and as his presence disappeared so did any confidence I might have had. Then again, the foreboding feeling strangling my throat would have made me flee if I could've, so I couldn't really blame him._

_ "Go."_

_ Gathering the courage to turn around, I managed to look towards Mello as he bit deeper into the thick surface of his bar, a scrap of aluminum clinging to the end where he held it._

_ "What?"_

_ "Leave," Mello ground out, the word accented as his teeth clenched. "What's the point of you being here if you think I'm going to... lose!"_

_ The last word contorted his features like poison, toxic and deadly and ready to spread._

_ "I didn't-"_

_ "Just get out!" Mello shouted, relinquishing any self control he might have had. "You hate being on this case! I'm sick of you arguing with my methods! This is my chance to show them all who I am, what I deserve!"_

_ "I didn't mean it Mello!" I shrieked over him, feeling panicked as my heart raced in my chest. "It just slipped out-"_

_ "I don't care!" Mello yelled over my protests, his eyes narrowing unforgivingly. _

_ "You don't believe I can beat him, but I can! You're just like the rest of them, like everyone else who lived at that damn orphanage!"_

_ I stumbled a step forward, wanting to say something or anything but unable to push one useful thing out of my mouth._

_ No..._

_ I love you Mello, I do..._

_ I just...I don't want to watch you do this to yourself anymore._

_ "You should never have followed me after I left!" He was still screaming, each word like knives scrapping down my soul, digging in the blade wherever to could to make me bleed._

_ "I would've been fine with just Matt! I don't need you!"_

_ But I need you...Even though I wish I didn't. Even though I hate what you've become._

_ "Why are you still here? Leave, already!"_

_ "I can't..." my weak words finally began being spoken, but I knew it was already useless. "I can't leave you Mello!"_

_ Mello's infuriated features darkened, and he stepped forward dangerously. _

_ "I don't get care," he spat, and any fool would think he had calmed down. But this was a quiet fury, the type of anger that lies underneath the surface, laughing as you dance atop its thin surface, waiting for the ice to break so it can drag you below and hold you till you drown. _

_ "You hate my goals, and you basically want," he hissed, spitting out the words as he stepped closer, "Near to beat me. I'm done putting up with it!"_

_ "I've given up years of my life for you!" I protested, wishing I knew what to say, what words would soothe the threat looming above me. This pathetic desperation was just a joke. "I'm helping the best I can, but I can't agree with everything you do!"_

_ "You need to realize that there are times where you're wrong!"_

_ And that was it. _

_ There are always moments where a person knows they've gone too far, and I had crossed that line statements ago. This just sealed the deal._

_ The sensation of Mello's leather-covered fingers digging into my arms enough to bruise jolted me painfully into reality, and he began dragging me towards the door while I tried to keep my ground._

_ "Get. Out."_

_ I almost tore one of his arms out of my skin, staring up at him pleadingly while his eyes only blared down with bitter contempt. _

_ "I can't-"_

_ Mello cut me off by throwing me towards the door, hanging open where he had left it. _

_ I didn't make it._

_ I crashed into the end table only a few inches form the doorknob, my back hitting out of the thick legs as my head crashed into the knob of the drawer. I let out a cry of pain at the impact, falling to the ground like a broken puppet whose strings had been cut. Something dripped down my neck, joining the tears slipping down my face and the thundering pain jolting through me._

_ Mello's eyes were wide, and I couldn't tell why. _

_ It could still be anger, fury, a madness that he had missed._

_ It might be disbelief, or shock, just a natural human reaction._

_ It had a chance of being anxiousness, worry, but I knew that wasn't it and I wasn't about to fool myself, especially now. _

_ As more blood seeped down my skin, I suddenly felt, as odd as it must sound...at peace. I can't explain it, so I won't try, but I just felt like I accepted it all, and I wasn't ready to fight anymore._

_ "I'm sorry Mello," I finally got out, my words faint in the oppressing air, but he didn't make a move to speak again, those eyes were focused on the scarlet beginning to stain the floor, but lightly. _

_ "I don't want Near to win, I really don't," I fumbled my words out, the edges of my vision becoming spotty and blurry, darkness creeping in._

_ "I just...want it to be over, that's all," I struggled, my eyes heavily falling shut. "I want to go back..."_

_ "I miss you."_

There was this story, a rather uncreative myth that Roger used to tell us at the orphanage all the time. Whenever we begged for his attention too much or complained just a bit too loudly, he would sit us down, fold his hands, those hands with aged veins peeking out like a maze of rivers, onto his prim lap and upon that wrinkled mouth to speak.

When I lost consciousness, I remembered it, and...

It made me sad.

_It was in the heart of winter, where icicles hang like fugitives onto the green hands of evergreens. The frozen ground was covered with inches of chilly, numbing snow that could even freeze the blood in someone's veins. There were two animals, a labrador puppy and a white kitten that almost molded into the snow. Both were sitting before a grand, opulent house that had great billows of warm, promising smoke swirling out of a brick chimney, almost mocking the animals as they shivered in the cold. _

_ "What are we going to do?" the black puppy asked as his teeth chattered, dark eyes shifting to his companion. The other settled down in the snow, folding in his paws as he yawned._

_ "Well," he started, cleaning his face with a relaxed air. "We should probably try to get inside that house, unless we want to die out here."_

_ The young dog growled lightly, narrowing his focused gaze on the expensive door blocking his way to heat and comfort. Letting out a confident laugh, he shook some snow off of himself and ran towards the house, the kitten choosing to stay in his place._

_ "Just watch!" the excited puppy barked as his paws flew up snow from the ground and made it fly. "I'll be sleeping next to that fireplace in no time!"_

_ The small cat said nothing and only continued licking his fur with a nod._

_ The puppy, his eagerness radiating around his tiny form, skidded to a stop at the door, sending a shower of snow to splatter atop the previously shining window cut into the door. He opened his small mouth, revealing barely grown canine teeth, and began barking cheerfully, his tail thumping onto the ground with anticipation._

_ After a few minutes, the door slide open a few inches, dull, muddy eyes peeking out. The youthful dog stepped forward proudly, continuing to bark joyfully as he meandered towards the door. As he turned his head over an inky shoulder to grin at his playmate, the door was slammed shut cruelly, stunning the puppy so much he fell onto his hind-legs. Confused, he scratched at the bottom, tearing away bits of paint with his sharp nails as he rubbed against the wood with his head. _

_ The door did not open again._

_ For days as the blizzard grew worse, the puppy sat there and barked, the noises no longer bright but desperate and needy. He continued onto his throat was sore and cuts broke open in his raw mouth, the blood spilling over the curve of his weak jaw and raining open the white below, staining it with telltale droplets of crimson. _

_ Finally, with one finally plead, the puppy fell limp in the snow, and in a few hours he was completely covered in a concealing blanket of ice. When silence settled upon the previously rampant air, the rich, red curtains in the window pulled back to show that same man with his eyes the color of dry dirt in the summer. He smiled in a relieved way and let the fabric drop and cover his existence once more._

_ It was at this moment that the kitten leaped out of the tree hollow he had been hiding in, stretching his cramped limbs before pattering up the steps to the door. He purposely ignored the mound that revealed the burial of his fallen comrade, only brushing the grave with his long tail respectfully before sitting down in front of the door._

_ Opening his dainty mouth, the kitten released a quiet meow before letting the soundlessness claim the world once again. The door opened, that man looking down at him with empty, harsh eyes. Blinking his sea-green eyes at him, the kitten laid one paw on the corner of the door before padding inside, quietly setting himself by the fireplace and staring into the fiery depths. The man shut the door, walking over to the cat and patting its head thoughtfully before adding a little more wood to the fire._

Roger always told us that the moral of the fable was that when you're loud and obnoxious, you won't receive what you wish. But I know he only preached that because he hated our noise. He hated all of us, deep inside his withered soul, but he did strive his best to keep it hidden. I'll never understand why he chose to be our guardian when our very existence was a blemish in his world.

However, when I was young and heard this story, I would, just like the other children, stay quiet and patient and eventually, smiling knowingly, Roger would give us whatever we had been clamoring for. Sometimes it would be a toy he had promised, or a snack that we craved. It didn't really matter at the time, so I don't remember.

Now, when I remember it, I can only think of two people; one, who romped with all the strength he had, forcing everyone to know he existed and what he wanted without thought or regret, and another who lurked in the shadows of silence until he could step forward and shake hands with his future.

As childish as it must be to compare people to fairy-tales, I can see Mello in that puppy's place, crying for what he wanted even though it was blatant he wouldn't receive it. I could, too, see that kitten in Near, intelligent and composed until he could have what he desired.

And while that black swirled around me until I couldn't feel the pain or hear the own ragged sound of my breathing, I could only see those two animals running, the pure one pulling ahead while the tainted one fell behind.

Like his spirit, Mello would end up bleeding and forgotten while his counterpart basked in the flames of victory

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_Author's Note : _Oh crap...Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

This was NOT how this chapter was supposed to go, AT ALL. I have no idea what happened. It just...exploded. In my face.

Crap.

I'm so sorry guys. I know this one was so bad, I can feel it. I apologize form the bottom of my heart. I'm going to have to put what was supposed to be this chapter, in the next chapter, because it wouldn't fit here now. This just feels so choppy to me, sorry if it disturbed the reading.

Oh, and a quick note for anyone like...What the hell just happened? The beginning of this chapter almost directly falls after what happened at the end of the last chapter, as in, the last flashback, so that's still how their emotions are. That's why it's basically all Mello hate and what not, and no cuteness.

Next chapter has it though, and the story really progresses in it. Please just...let this craptastic crap slide by and wait for the next one.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed. It means so much to me! Please review to tell me what you thought of this, and I'd love constructive criticism so I can edit this and make it better. Please!

I apologize for any grammar or spelling I might have missed.


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer :_ I do not own Death Note or anything associated. If I did, I would not have to write these stupid little disclaimers and spend five minutes trying to think of something witty.

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.:. Chapter Six .:.

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Have you ever entered a hospital before, trudged in that walk of shame that begins once you pass through the flimsy doors and doesn't reach its end until you stand before that weak cover that shields you from the patient? Did you experience those stares, looks full of pity and shame, eyes that spoke silently and never out-loud? How about that ominous, oppressing feeling that draped itself over your limbs, weighing you down suffocatingly as you tried to move forward, frantically tying you down to the past and to sorrow?

Those steps usually last mere minutes until you reach that handle and turn it, forcing yourself inside to understand and accept and learn. A short multitude of seconds and then those fine black hands of time stop poking and prodding at your soul.

I felt that way far longer than seconds or minutes, lifetimes longer. Mello's truest rage was like a rainstorm in the driest desert, more potent and memorable only because of its rarity. For days, weeks, I was drowning in that putrid water, its acid touches swirling around me and burning whatever it could touch, leaving every part of my spirit with a less than dull ache. To my deepest chagrin, I could barely touch the sandy safety with the very tips of my toes, but even though the rain had stopped, the depth only seemed to grow deeper, unfathomable deeper until I couldn't reach it at all.

Maybe I should have left, but I wouldn't and couldn't and didn't. In fact, I stayed working on the case, robotically shifting through papers I had searched through thousands of times and clicking on keyboards where the letters had faded due to incessant use. I trusted my reports to Matt to hand in with his own, not because I was afraid Mello would lash out or tear me down, but because his reaction was so many times worse.

Another question, have you ever seen the eyes of a dead person? After life has left a body, the eyes fade, losing their spark and feeling and simultaneously reverting into dull, fogged orbs for the insects to devour. They don't seem to be seeing anything, just glancing through the world as if it isn't there because they, in the irony, aren't there.

Mello only looks through me now, his eyes reverting to a deceased, uncaring state upon glimpsing even the ends of my hair. It was like he was trying to pretend that I had disappeared, never existed, or that I had obeyed his commands and fled into the streets where there was nothing waiting for me.

It was driving me insane with anxiousness of mind and crumbling of heart.

Even Matt appeared more timid around me, almost embarrassed to stay in my shamed presence for an elongated amount of time. I was a ghost that floated through the rooms, invisible and unwanted by the true inhabitants that only waved me away with a weary hand.

I hadn't tried to talk to him since.

_Tentative fingers graced the back of my head, pushing through tangles of pale tresses to trace an almost healed gash lightly. A minute jolt of pain caused me to lower my hand, dropping it into my lap limply. _

_Reaching downwards, I grasped what lay there and slid on the maroon trench-coat fluidly, dropping a key into my pocket and retreating out the door. The plush blue carpet in the hall silenced the heavy steps from my familiar boots, and the only sound besides my breathing was the subdued creak when I dragged the sliding door open._

_The weather was timid, the sun lying submissively in a smoky gray sky while allowing childish marshmallow clouds to drift past its sleepy face. The lazy rays delicately drifted across any exposed skin, warming my cheeks pleasantly while I began walking through the streets._

_The people decided to follow the sky's example, lofting along the pavement with cheerful smiles and laughter spiced with contentment. I passed through them with a specter's gait, granting my feet permission to pave the way and my mind the choice to unravel without care._

_My thoughts were numb and simple, only comments on the scenery and the people, almost like a newborn seeing the world for the first time. Soft questions rumbled beneath the surface, slipping through the cracks and floating to the outside._

_Could I live like them, moving through the world without knowing of its inner turmoil? Could I accept their peace and simplicity, the normality? Could I leave these bloodstained memories behind and move forward a dove as innocent as these people?_

_I walked for hours, the area becoming darker and more shady, those bubbly people transforming into the fouled homeless and the loathed criminals hiding from the light. The air grew polluted, stunning me with a heavy sensation on my skin that I had so long been protected from. No one paid me any mind, ignoring the nomad girl with little worth and no direction._

_Maybe my limbs were angry at me as well and decided to torment me, because I found myself standing a few yards away from a building I had spent so much time inside of, a structure where I had given up a life. My eyes narrowed on the seemingly worthless exterior, remember the sweat and toil that had gone into the work completed there, the tears that had been shed both visibly ad not, and the emotions that had grown like pesky weeds underneath its heartless visage. _

_I meandered forward, reaching a few feet from the door before the barrel of a gun was pointed in my face, so close that I could smell that revolting scent of gunpowder billowing from its nose. Glancing up at the firearm's holder, I decided that it might as well be deemed an accomplishment that I had gotten as near as I had._

"_Should I-" the muscled man began to ask his companion, another large being who loomed from over his shoulder, but he stopped in the middle and peeked towards my face a little closer. "Oh, she's one of Mello's." The one behind him nodded in confirmation, focusing on my face before interrogating with a pretty obvious question,_

"_What are you doing here?"_

_I lifted my head to catch a glimpse of stony and unforgiving features, hollow cheeks and dark eyes that glowed with something precarious. Standing my ground but not uttering a sound, I debated how to answer his question._

_I knew not why I had come, nor did I have any knowledge besides a vague conception on how to return. A miniscule voice in my head even began pressuring the idea of if I even would. _

"_Hey! I asked you a question!"_

_Why had I really come then, for it was not to speak to Mello, and that was the only sensible reason? What else could I do in this decrepit place of dilapidation? _

_My mind was simply broken, unable to form any sort of adequate reasoning to share._

"_Just take her to Mello. I'll stand guard until you come back."_

"_Alright, I guess. 'Not much else we can do anyway."_

_Giant, rough hands dug into my shoulders, leading me inside while I still struggled with my thoughts. My feet scraped painfully against the floor until deciding to follow this man's stride, and as my fingers brushed the walls as we passed, a sense of comfort I had forgotten streamed back._

_It all started here, this...waste. It had begun behind these walls, atop these dirt-rampaged floors. I had been happier then, at least that's what I remembered. I wanted to be like that again, not miserable anymore. Could I rewind the months, each day at a time, until I found that pocket in history again, until I secured it with the thread of eternity?_

"_Hey Boss!"_

_A door was opened, only inklings of light illuminating it as the one leading me pushed me towards the opening, poking his own head in to catch the attention of someone inside. A fair head turned his way, wide teal eyes squinting in realization before growing in shock._

"_I caught this one wanderin' outside, so I thought you'd want 'er."_

_If I hadn't been able to control myself, I almost would have laughed as the poor man returned to his post, leaving me at the front of the room and thinking he had done his task well. Of course, I figured this was the last thing Mello would have wanted, and the thought killed the giggles that had gathered at the bottom of my throat._

_The one in question stared at me, and with each millisecond that past, I watched his eyes change emotion._

_Anger._

_Frustration._

_Irritation._

_Calculation._

_Nothing._

_Soon enough, the emotion in his eyes flickered and then diminished, an action I had grown used to when they turned on me. I was able to identify each clear as day now, but that was I skill I would rather have not acquired._

_Mello leaned back on the couch where he lay lethargically, that notebook hanging from one hand, and looked over his shoulder at the men huddled behind him. His mouth opened to speak, but before he could and before I knew it, I stole his thunder._

"_Are you going to ignore me much longer?"_

_My tone was impassive, and I did not know from what well inside I had scooped this drink of confidence. Maybe it was because I felt no purpose now, no sense of being wanted. What more could he do to me than what he had already done? He had rejected me, tried to remove me from his life and this case. _

_Mello had slowly started killing me from the inside._

_What did it matter now what he said, or what I said? I was hurting already; did it hold any significance if I was damaged more?_

_Mello said nothing, as a part of me expected, instead waving a hand at one of his lackeys in the back, calling out,_

"_Hey, you! Come here!"_

_He ordered something I did not catch, and before I knew it, that being was at my side, obviously ready to dismiss me and send me back to the cage of my own creation._

"_How long, Mello?" I asked again, almost wondering out-loud while my question leaked into the air unanswered. A hand wrapped around my arm, beginning to tug me towards the door with a silent demand, but I dug my heels into the wood, hearing it begin to splinter under the force._

_Still, he said nothing._

"_When are you going to stop being scared?" I questioned quietly, surprised by the mocking that laced my own voice finely, barely hidden beneath the careful surface of pleasantry. There was no heat, no fire or passion in what I was saying; I was drained of it all. Even Mello appeared cautiously shocked, flickering those impossible irises in my direction before turning his attention back towards the notebook._

_For a moment, I thought I saw old indignation and pride spark in those dead eyes, and that drove me on when I should've quieted._

"_You hate that I'm right," I breathed, gritting my teeth to resist the pull of the man behind me, one who was obviously beginning to add more strength to his ministrations. "You don't want to admit that what I see is true."_

"_Why can't you admit you've changed?"_

_Mello's eyes snapped my way, and I knew I only had to press a little more by the way his fingers gripped into the notebook warningly. _

"_Can you even look yourself in the mirror?"_

"_Can you even look at yourself, Mello?"_

"_Why is she still here?" Mello demanded, his voice overriding my placid one as he sat up, slamming the object of his obsession onto a table with the harsh slap of fluttering pages. "Get her out!"_

"_I'm not going anywhere, and you know it!" I shrieked, losing my composure as the guard behind me finally began ripping me out of my footholds, forcing me inch by inch out the door. "I'll always be here, even if you don't want to see me! I'm going to help you win this case, even if you don't deserve it Mello! Even if you become Kira himself, I'm going to do everything to make you win this time!"_

_Mello's eyes became riveted on mine, narrowed into thin lines of concentration that blazed into my own, which where angry and pleading. _

"_Is that what you want Mello? Is that finally going to satisfy you?"_

I wasn't lying when I made my declaration to Mello, even if it broke every porcelain vase that held my ideals and shattered the morales inside into pieces that could never fit into each other perfectly once more. By the blinding light that shone in Mello's eyes that day, I had seen what my opinion did, and I was willing to bow to the pressure.

This, consequently, did not mean that I agreed with him, but I pledged to support him, because there was simply nothing else I could do. I was weak, and I knew that. I couldn't walk away, so I had to stay, and if I had to stay I wanted to please him. I just didn't have the fight in me anymore, so I succumbed, as so many others had been forced to do.

Maybe it was pathetic, pitiful; no, it was both those things. But, I like to think Mello noticed something in me at that moment, that second where he finally looked at me again, took me in for a precious moment after weeks of monotony. I doubt he forgave me, and in fact, he probably never did. Mello held grudges for an infinite time, which he displayed with each step he took.

Still, maybe it was because I had lost my anger, my strength, but I know something shifted.

There was difference between us.

It was a subtle change, just a glance when he was conversing with Matt, or a lingering stare as I typed routinely. Eventually, his commanding tone met my ears again, even if traces of displeasure were still obviously present. I was just glad it was there, and the words made me smile, even though he couldn't seem to make sense of that.

I believe he just finally saw how much I was willing to give. Selling my soul to a devil I didn't trust, in order to please him, was probably the gravest sin I could be condemned for. Maybe he saw loyalty in that, truth in that.

Maybe he saw my love in that.

_The page I had been holding floated to the floor as I started, turning towards the door swiftly instead of catching the unimportant paper again. The piercing banging shook my bones, and they rattled painfully each time another slamming blow hit the wood. Backing away, I watched it suspiciously, trying to reason what I should do in this situation. When I mentally searched through the apartment rapidly, I realized with a groan that I was Matt-less._

_Curse him and his batteries. _

"_Open the door!" A voice cried, the hoarse rasping barely making it through the walls. "Let me in!"_

_Eyes widening with a jolt, I stumbled forward at the familiar articulation of each demanding word. _

"_Mello?" I questioned carefully, about to press my ear to the door when more abrupt pounding prevented me from doing so, even though it was noticeably weaker than before. _

"_Who else! Now open the damn door -"_

_Flicking the lock open with my nimble fingers, I flung the door open only to stagger backwards when a heavy weight crashed into my unsuspecting arms. I let out a grunt in surprise as a head of blond hair blocked my vision, and by the lack of shouting, I realized Mello had lost consciousness. _

_Taking a deep breath, I started dragging him inside, closing the door with one unbalanced foot while my arms burned with complaint. Once I was inside, I laid Mello down on the couch carefully, gasping softly when the tentative light washed across his face._

_Moving one hand apprehensively, I let them run through his ruined hair, dyed brown by the menace of blood, and at my touch little seeds of glass blossomed along the carpet. He didn't stir beneath my gesture, only continuing his slightly labored breathing of deep, but uneven breaths that were trying to find a sort of regulation. Drawing my hand back, I saw the tips of my fingers were painted a fresh red, allowing me to trace the source to a flaming wound along the left side of his head._

_Thinking sensibly, I sprinted into the bathroom smoothly, quickly filling a bowl with water and grabbing a washcloth before kneeling back by Mello's side. I laid the container on the floor, dipping the fabric within before dapping at the scarlet dripping down half his face, ignoring the right side which was covered by something molten and black. Dried blood and burnt dead skin peeled away in layers beneath my gentle movements, and the water swirled in crimson whispers._

_When the left half was finally clear, shining slightly as stray drops of water slid down his cheek, my throat closed up in a tiny cry._

"_What did you do..." I muttered, tracing one finger down the network of scars that disfigured once innocent skin, some housing cuts that bled still, tiny incisions that rained red tears. _

_Panning my vision to the other side of this mangled creature, I took notice of the twisted plastic and metal that seemed fused with his flesh, still warm to the touch when I tested it with my palm. I didn't know what was to be done in times like this, so I only did what seemed right logically; I slowly began peeling it away. It was easier than expected, and to my relief, what lay beneath that mask of horror was only slightly irritated skin that was barely damaged at all._

_I moved back to take in the rest, tearing my eyes away from Mello's tortured face to survey for any more damage. His vest was still intact, only slightly charred and ripped at the very bottom edges. His leather pants were also in relatively good condition, albeit almost falling apart at the seams from what I could tell. Taking the appearance of his clothes into mind, I guessed that the body underneath should also be fine as. Still, without knowing whatever disaster had been the cause, I was guessing that this was an escape by sheer luck. _

_Narrowing my eyes, I caught a catch in the light, and stepping forward, the glint of silver flashed against the inky darkness. That cross, Mello's cross that expressed a pitiful facade, was mounted against the fabric, and when I pulled the chain lightly, it came free, dangling in my hand like a captured demon._

_So he kept it..._

_Had he gone back and retrieved it, or was it just another...?_

_Closing my eyes, I tried to re-envision the Mello of these past weeks in my head. Was there a shining cross gleaming proudly against his chest? For all my memories strainss, I could not remember it._

_I suppose other things had seemed more important at the time._

_My movements became unsure as I returned to Mello's sleeping features, staring at those locked doors and wondering what was playing on the other side. Were they peaceful dreams... but then again what would be peaceful to Mello? Would it be dominating the world and sitting atop some golden throne with Near submissive at his feet? Or were they a human sort of dream, one with tranquility, an amicable sun and a serene blue sky?_

_I grew daring at that moment, because one minute I was seated on the floor and the next I was seated on the couch with Mello's wounded head rested in my lap, one hand trailing through his damaged hair. More glass fell to the floor, solid tears to join the rusty ones that had dried on his face._

_Should I be doing this? No._

_Might he be angry if he knew? Definitely. _

_Did I care? Not even a little._

_As I touched those battered strands of once flaxen hair, I sighed, because it seemed the only time I could express such affection was when Mello remained unaware. I wanted to be here to comfort Mello throughout it all, awake or not, physically or mentally bruised. This gall was the result of feelings and guiltless desires bottled up and stored away on a shelf too thin to hold them all. Now one had fallen and erupted, spilling out that which had always been hidden with iron locks._

_And maybe someone else would hate Mello after all that had happened, after everything he had done and I myself had done; but I would always love him because there was nothing else. I knew nothing else, and no matter how many times I say and think it, it still hurts. I keep repeating it, reasoning it in everything I do, because my mind somehow thinks that that will make it easier._

_Easier to accept that it's never meant to be._

_Maybe in another world, where Kira didn't exist and there wasn't an orphanage that bred geniuses and pitted them against each other like animals...maybe we would have met and fallen in love like people were supposed to do. Because this wasn't reality, it wasn't. The world was not supposed to be this way, and everything was not supposed to be so cruel and hard. _

_The foolishness of it all began to overwhelm me, and the hopeless feeling flowed directly into the weak hand that dared to run through his hair and tumble down upon his scarred cheek._

_Taking in a low breath, I pulled it back, but I was halted by bare fingers encircling my wrist and ordering it to stay there._

_My eyes snapped down, meeting dull turquoise ones that were clouded and open. _

_The color left my face momentarily before returning with a stronger force, but those digits stayed firm and held my own in place._

_Mello's orbs bored into my own, their inner determination giving off the weakest and yet strongest glow. _

_Seconds passed._

_He said nothing, just holding on to my arm as if he was drowning at sea and this was the only lifeline offered to save him. _

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

_Author's Note : _Hm... this seems a bit choppy to me at the end, but somehow I really wanted to end it right there. It just worked for me, which thus made the chapter shorter than I intended. Sorry.

Anyway, emotion shifts might seem fast and abrupt, but please keep in mind that these are floating through months, weeks, even years sometimes. Therefore, things sometimes evolve more swiftly that one would expect if it's looked at through the brief period of a few days.

This was hard for me to write, just because I knew what had to happen but not how to get there. By the way, the second flashback of this post was supposed to be last chapter, which as you can see, was VERY different. I like how this evolved though from when I wrote it on paper like a month ago because it was much more under-developed and crappy :)

Also hard to write because I've been so obsessed with The Joker lately. Man, for a girl who hates superheroes, I can sure get myself too into a villain of one. I spent half my day watching Batman (1989), while my laptop was in front of me like "Hello??" Any other Joker fans here? ;)

Well, I do hope you enjoy it. It is a bit half and half, but it had to tie together two pieces of not only Ivy, but Mello. I hope I did achieve that somehow. This is, in addition, the only chapter that's going to have an ounce of cuteness in it. So at least yay for that.

Thank you so much for all the reviews! 10!! That's the most I've ever gotten for a chapter! Please, let's beat that maybe? Thank you for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer : _I do not own Death Note or anything associated.

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.:. Chapter Seven .:.

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I had never seen Mello broken before.

He's always been confident and proud, a skilled overlord moving people around like chess pieces. It was strange to see real weakness in him, to gaze upon his ruined face and dull, cloudy eyes. Even his words lost their hard edge, lips barely moving during his days as an invalid.

Mello had tumbled and tipped down many pedestals, but it could clearly be seen that this was one of the worst. He had lost his men, the muscle backing up the mind. His base had been obliterated to toxic smoke and charred wood, leaving all those documents nothing more than ashes ready to collapse upon themselves and disappear into the wind.

Worst of all, Mello lost the notebook.

The one, absolute play that had hoisted him even a meager inch above Kira, and above Near, had been snatched away.

Now Mello was crashing into the concrete of reality.

It was like watching someone leap off of a very high cliff. You could see his feet push off the ground, but you couldn't stop him. You could see his body begin plummeting into that unforgiving sea below, but there was nothing you could do. All you had was the malicious ability to watch them fall, foot after foot, yard after yard, the black depths grasping closer each unforgiving moment. You know they are going to hit, you can feel it, but somehow they just keep slicing through the air, moving closer and closer. You're just waiting for that second when they finally drown.

You could try jumping in to save them, but the truth is they would only bring you down with them.

_"You asked me once," a low, strained voice guttered out into the quiet room, "about why I eat so much chocolate."_

_I glanced toward him from my seat at the computer, where I was trying to retrieve the papers lost during the explosion through the system's server._

_"Twice, actually," I noted, spinning around to see Mello scratching at the bandages on his left cheek with irritation._

_"You really shouldn't do that..."_

_He threw a silencing glare my way, and I made to turn back to the screen before he spoke again._

_"I might tell you, if you still want to know."_

_My heart skipped a beat while my curiosity pulsated excitedly._

_"I do," I admitted, glimpsing the candy bar he was clutching in-between his needy fingers. Mello's eyes narrowed in deep contemplation for a few seconds, a million thoughts probably rushing behind those closed blinds._

_"Bet Roger's glad I'm gone," he stated suddenly, his tone smooth and faraway. "He used to hate buying me all these. Sometimes I'd have Matt sneak out to get them."_

_It seemed that his lips twitched with an oncoming smile, but a permanent frown arose instead. _

_"I need it because," he began, slowly turning back on track as his brow furrowed. "He always had it, and I...wanted to be him, want..."_

_His voice broke off, eyes moving down to where the rich chocolate trembled in his unsteady hands._

_"He still went to Near...who didn't...he barely ate anything! He didn't even care! I thought...I always just stood there, and watched them leave...together. Now I..."_

_His fingers jerked upwards, curling around the pieces with enough pressure to crack a trench down the middle._

_"I can pretend, pretend to be him. It's the only part of him still here...the one piece Near can't take from me."_

_Mello observed somewhat detached while the jagged remains slipped through his grasp, leaving his hands empty and alone. His teal eyes were wide and panicked, shining with the angry tears of a child who refused to cry._

_I didn't know what to say, how to help the man before me when he wasn't the one I knew. This was a broken, vulnerable shell who needed something different. Rehearsed words would not soothe him, not mechanic reassurances that he knew were bland and untruthful. Neither would this silence, which I realized as the first hot tear leaked from the resisting, prideful eyes._

_I stood tentatively, kneeling on the couch where he sat with wary knees. His gaze blared up at me, still trying to remain cold even with the tears slipping freely now. I pulled him to me, slowly and unsure, knowing that there was a high chance my blood would paint the walls within seconds. But, I knew I needed to do something, however stupid the action might seem. _

_And...when I cried, I always felt worthless and alone._

_I wanted someone to prove they were there, there for me. Now, I wanted to show Mello I was here, here for him._

_His body was stiff, no words uttered as that rain poured silently out of constricting gray clouds, staining the world with their misery._

_"He didn't deserve you, Mello," I whispered in hopeful comfort, feeling his head lay on my shoulder wearily. A thick, choked laugh seeped out of his mouth, hanging heavily in the air before sinking with my heart._

_He didn't believe me._

It's always been said that all wounds heal with time. I can attribute that for the physical pains, because within a few short weeks, his body had regenerated into its familiar perfection, besides his face. It would always be scarred, a memory of his failure.

But that's as far as that saying can be trusted.

His eyes never had the same fire again. As days passed, the shaken embers breathed with weak life, and even though they soon began to burn, it was not the unstoppable wildfire of want and need. It was a timid, hushed blaze, one that was almost fearful of burning. Few people know that you can read a person's whole world from their eyes, and even fewer are able to do it. I could, and I knew his was collapsing.

When he finally left his lifeless days in that room behind, his actions were robotic. It was something he was expected to do, there was no passion, no spark when his fingers raced along a keyboard, no excitement as he gazed down at saved files. He was just there, doing the only thing he knew how to do.

He still wanted it. He knew nothing else.

That insatiable thirst for vengeance was still there; he had too much hatred that poisoned his blood. But there was no hope now.

There was no faith in himself, in his victory.

_I stumbled up the steps with tired feet, the heavy bags that would restock our kitchen digging into my skin annoyingly. The only sound was my own haggard breathing from the steep climb, and the creaking of worn wood beneath the soles of my equally scuffed boots. As I approached our door, voices that should have been faint seemed thunderous when they cracked upon the silence, storming into my ears without resistance._

_Pausing with my hand a few inches from the knob, I shrugged childishly and listened acquisitively while what I guessed was a conversation continued. _

_"We need to do it tomorrow night. She's going to transported, and it'll be the only time when there could be a break in security," what I recognized as Mello's voice explained in an almost deadly calm. For a few seconds, I could detect no response so I leaned closer, hoping I hadn't missed anything._

_Finally it came, in a tone I recognized as Matt's somewhat uncaring drawl._

_"What's it going to do?"_

_Mello replied almost immediately, "It's the only chance to uncover something that could underhand Kira."_

_Matt's sentence was witty and quick._

_"And who'll get the chance to use it?"_

_The atmosphere crackled, and I could only guess the scowl that was sure to be carved into Mello's features at this point._

_"It doesn't matter...someone will catch him."_

_"You're willing to do that? To help-"_

_"It's the only way, Matt!"_

_I furrowed my brow in confusion, unable to shift through my bewildered thoughts while I tried to keep up with the rapid exchange of dialogue. _

_"Come on Mello, you know that's not true."_

_Matt's voice was patronizing and condescending. I had never heard him speak to his best friend that way, and it sent an alarm off in the back of my mind. _

_"I doubt you can think of anything else!" Mello challenged bitterly, and there was no sound for a few minutes before the familiar one of fingers clicking buttons._

_"What about staying here and letting Near do his job?"_

_Mello's voice was dangerous and angry as he snapped, "What-"_

_"I think it's time for me to say something, whether or not you want me to."_

_The tone was still nonchalant, but it contained a seriousness, an intensity that was new, unexpected._

_"Ever since I've known you, all you've ever done is complain. Near beat you on a test, L didn't talk to you long enough, whatever. You never shut up about how you're always treated like second best."_

_"You've finally found someone who treats you like number one, and you don't even care."_

_My heart, which had previously been beating frantically with anxiety, froze, dropping in my chest like a stone thrown into a black pool._

_"I don't have a degree or anything, so maybe I shouldn't be giving you this psychological crap. But you're being an idiot, which is almost sad because you're so intelligent, after all. "_

_"You've had her at you're side for years, Mello, and you know it. Everyone knows it, and you can't say they don't. When are you going to admit it?"_

_"You've had what you wanted all along. Start appreciating it, or at least care."_

_"After everything, is this how you're going to repay her?"_

_Those last words echoed through the air like harshly fired shots, stinging the air with their clarity. My hand closed on the doorknob, wondering if it was enough, whether it was finally time to open the door and end whatever was spreading this turmoil inside._

_"I have to do this," Mello muttered, words the world had heard from him over and over without end. "Even...even if-"_

_"Oh stop acting like it's so hard," Matt interjected rudely. "Just tell her you love her and get in her pants like you obviously want to."_

_ I jerked open the door just in time to see a chocolate bar sail through the air and crash into Matt's head._

It's a human reaction to try to ignore the things that frighten us. When a patient is diagnosed with terminal leukemia, their family does that careful dance, making sure not to mention the disease eating away her insides. Often times when a loved one passes, the family will imagine that they're still with them, just a quick phone call away. Ignoring and pretending just hurts less, it's a natural reflex to protect ourselves.

I'm no different.

The conversation was peculiar, and to have my own feelings analyzed was humiliating to say the very least. None of us mentioned it after that day. Maybe Mello was afraid of what he was going to do, of what was right before his nose. Perhaps Matt was scared of his own fate, intertwined tightly with the man beside him. I think I was frightened of what I didn't know, words that were only a confused jumble to me.

And nervous that whatever this plan was, I wasn't enough to make Mello stay.

_"Matt, go wait outside," Mello ordered quietly, and Matt nodded in submission, flashing me the weakest smile before disappearing past the doorframe. No words were spoken for a while, just Mello's teal gaze meeting my own blue one, a silent appraising that did not require sound. His eyes bore into my own, and I met them without faltering, no matter how painful it was to do so. Those irises were so empty, drained, fickle and broken like glass that had fallen and shattered._

_I parted my lips to speak, but my throat felt useless and swollen, so I closed my mouth and succumbed to the silence again. _

_"We're going after Takada, Kira's spokesperson," Mello finally spoke, his hard gaze now focused on the floor just to the right of my booted feet. I lifted my solemn stare to the wall above Mello's head, mentally tracing each tiny crack while replying,_

_"Just you and Matt?"_

_"Yes."_

_"What about me?"_

_Mello shifted a little, pushing one hand into his pocket and playing with the threads between his restless fingers._

_"You...you stay here."_

_I glanced at his stolid face, finding it stern and firm in its statement, his lips drawn tight in a thin line. It sent an uncomfortable jolt to my heart, that expression. It wasn't right; it didn't belong on Mello's features._

_"How can I help if I'm not doing anything?" I inquired, but Mello just turned away, glaring at the door as if it was the source of all his qualms and tortures. _

_"We don't need you," he muttered harshly, his words clear even with the jumbled execution. "Matt and I can handle it on our own."_

_Confusion clouded my mind, and I ambled over to where one of Matt's handhelds lay perched on an end-table, mindlessly flicking a button just for distraction. _

_"I don't want to stay here," I stated, pretending the screen was alight as I fumbled with a few nameless combinations. "There's no point in it."_

_"You'll stay here because I said so," Mello shot back before the last words had even fallen from my pale lips. "There doesn't need to be another point."_

_"So you just get to go out there and risk your lives? While I what? Sit in here like a worthless coward!" I abruptly shrieked, tossing the game onto the floor in an uncharacteristic fit of rage. The back cracked open, batteries skidding across the floor and disappearing under the couch; I didn't care that Matt would complain later._

_"This is a two man job!" Mello hissed, clenching the one hand that wasn't shielded in his pocket into a warning fist. "Why can't you just be happy that you don't need to put your life in danger?"_

_"Because I don't care!" I shouted, shaking my head and letting my hair spread wildly around me before raising my head to meet his headed glare. "It doesn't matter if I'm safe, if you -"_

_I froze, my lips trembling with the words that held on furtively for dear life. It was when I looked at those eyes...those...dead eyes._

_They told me...no matter how much he tried to hide it._

_They told me._

_He...wasn't coming back._

_"You're going to die!" I screamed, backing away, my eyes huge and my mouth gaping. "You're going to die!"_

_"You-" I spluttered, panic dissolving the function of my jaw and tongue. "You..."_

_"Why would you do that?" I cried, stomping my feet like a pathetically scolded child. "Why would you go out there when you know it! Don't tell me anything different, I can see it! If you go out there, I'm never going to see you again!"_

_"It's-" Mello started, his eyes narrowing into cautious slits._

_"Don't lie to me!" I interrupted with a shriek. "How can you do this?"_

_"It'll solve the case!" Mello barked roughly, overrunning my crazed hysterics and hushing me into silence. "This is the only way; it'll get Near the information he needs. Matt should come back alive-"_

_"But you won't!" I screeched, pulling on the ends of my hair, almost tearing the strands off my head by the roots. "They'll kill you; Kira will kill you! And you know it!"_

_I couldn't stand it, not another blasted second. My body was shaking uncontrollably, my pulse jumping and leaping under my skin while my heart threatened to burst into an eruption of muscle and blood in my bruised chest. For some reason, I couldn't seem to breathe. I could feel my mouth gasping for air, my lungs constricting in my chest, but I wasn't...getting air! I felt as if I was suffocating!_

_Mello ran forward without warning, grabbing my wrists and lowering them from my head forcefully, yanking on them until my head bobbed up to see him._

_"What's wrong with you?" He snapped spitefully, his darkened eyes glowering furiously at my spectacle. _

_"You're going to give up your life," I gasped, spitting out each word the best I could, "For this case, just because you can't deal with losing."_

_Mello stared into my shining eyes, noting the tears that had begun forming in the corners to accompany my lunatic rage. _

_"I told you once," he began slowly, the venom coating his words masking something deeper. "Without this case, I have nothing to live for."_

_"Nothing?" I squeaked, pleading with my needy words. "Nothing at all?"_

_Mello paused, the grip on my wrists slackening while I waited without daring to take a breath, the tightening in my lungs growing tauter. Seconds dragged by before he turned those dull eyes back to meet my own, the anger gone and replaced with resignation and the slightest bit of sorrow._

_"The case comes first, more than anything."_

_A sob tore through my throat, clawing its way through the unprotected skin until it could reach the outside world it craved. My legs wobbled, the strength leaving my limbs completely as I tumbled forward, Mello's shout of surprise falling upon deaf ears. My knees crashed onto the unforgiving wood of the floor, and I felt the skin yowl from the pain. _

_I loved him, so, so much. I always knew it, had accepted it, even succumbed to it when I had no other choice. I was not blind, and I knew what the excruciating twists and cracks in my chest were, no matter how much I could try to pretend they were something else. _

_I wanted him to love me, so, so bad. He didn't and I always knew it, had accepted it, even lived with it when I had no other choice. I was not deaf, and I knew what his words were telling me, no matter how much I wanted to pretend I hadn't heard them._

_Tears streamed down my eyes as everything about me crumbled, my pride, my strength. Everything I tried to hold in exploded from inside of me, and I couldn't cease its rampage throughout my body and soul. I wrapped my arm around myself, realizing Mello had released his hold, and bowed my head to my chest as I cried, something I hadn't done in a long time._

_It was all so stupid, I was just so stupid, to believe even for a second, that maybe things would work out the way I wanted. He could never want me compared to a victory over an adversary, never value my affection if he could have Kira on his knees._

_I couldn't look at him, and I stared at the floor as my sounds died down to silent tears, dropping from my bloodshot eyes to the ground below, like a devastating rain during spring's peace._

_Suddenly I felt myself shaking, cold leather hands yanking my shoulders until I could take in the words ripping through the delicate air. I glanced upwards to see Mello's blurry face shifting in and out of my vision as I was swung back and forth._

_"What's wrong with you?" His frantic calls rang out, echoing through my tender ears. "Why are you upset, dammit?"_

_I didn't answer as he continued his relentless movements, causing my teeth to rattle and shake horribly._

_"You know the case has to come first! To catch Kira! To beat Near!" He screamed, his voice catching in his raw throat on the last word. "I have to-"_

_"I know, I know! You have to beat him! I know, Mello!" I howled over him, my throat hoarse and bitter from salty tears and bloody cries. I shook myself free from his bruising grip and grabbed the front of his jacket, uncaring as his eyes widened with surprise. _

_"I love you! I really love you Mello!" I finally admitted, hearing the words choke up my throat after all these years, after every wasted, worthless minute I had spent, hoping._

_"I love you more than anything! That's why I stayed this whole time! That's why I helped you get as far as I could, and that's why I don't want you to go!" I sobbed, burying my head into his chest, so utterly scared that he would push me away. I could feel his heartbeat, jumpy and erratic through the thin fabric, and knowing my own was the same._

_"Please..." I whispered, my hands clinging to the thick fabric while Mello stood still as marble. "Can't I be more important, just this once?"_

_I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, squinting them to their limit so I couldn't see his face, and for the first time in my life, I prayed._

_Please!_

_Then he kissed me._

_His lips met mine roughly, his gloved hands sinking into my knotted hair to pull me to him, as close as humanly possible. Our mouths met and we gave it everything we had, everything we could. But just as when I saw that shadow in his eyes, I knew._

_It wasn't going to be enough._

_Mello's kiss was bitter. It was desperate and needy, frenzied and despairing, every horrible emotion passing between us in that poisoned kiss. We were grasping at something we couldn't hold on to, trying our damnedest to make it last when we knew it would not, could not. _

_And even though it was tainted and terrible, I never wanted it to end._

_He pulled away savagely, keeping me at arms length as we caught out breaths, eyes never leaving the other even while we panted rapidly._

_"I," he breathed while he slipped an iron grip back to my shoulders. "I'm not sorry."_

_Whatever remained of myself collapsed at that statement, and I let my head fall forward as the tears rekindled in my hazy eyes._

_"Don't!" Mello demanded through gritted teeth. _

_"Stop crying, Ivy!"_

_At the sound of my name, my head shot up, and I saw Mello slightly slack-jawed at his own words. It was the first time in all the years I had ever known him that Mello had actually said my name._

_I coughed up a dry laugh. Was it sick to be amused by how much it took to get him to finally say it? _

_"I need this case!" Mello began to babble. "Even if I'm just a pawn for Near's game in the end! I need to know I helped bring Kira down!" _

_I wanted to ask why, but I knew I wouldn't get any form of an answer that made sense to me. _

_"I love you,"I said one last time, looking up into those beautiful eyes that I had always been too timid and frightened to meet. Mello stared down at me, chewing on his bottom lip as if he didn't know what to do. His lips parted to say something, but it remained unsaid as he closed them again severely, hardening them along with his stony eyes. _

_Mello stood, allowing me to fall back on my knees with the weakest thump. I just looked up at him as he backed away, staggering backwards as if I was cursed. He swallowed, shaking his head slightly before turning away towards the door that offered him his choice._

_He took it._

_And I sat there alone, until I could move again._

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_Author's Note :_ This isn't the last chapter, just so you know. To me, it sounds like it could be, and I just wanted to make sure.

Whoa, is it just me, or has it been awhile? I feel like such a slacker, so I feel obliged to apologize. I hope this was a good enough chapter to meet the wait, but most of it was come up with during fitness class with my friend (who also proofread the last flashback over a month ago, when I actually wrote it. Thanks!).

Piece of story trivia for you? This was originally going to be three chapters. Haha, that didn't work out did it? :) Oh, before I forget, I need your opinion on something please. I was given the suggested of writing a side-story when this is finished about Matt's point of view of this whole thing. Yes? No? Maybe state your opinion in a review

Anyway, 16 reviews?? Thank you so much! I'm so grateful, really! Please review this time too? :)

Thank you very much for reading!


	8. Matt

_Disclaimer : _I do not own Death Note or anything associated. If I did, Matt would so have a tiny Squirtle to follow him around.

_Author's Note : _Hey, up here this time :) . This is that little Matt point of view I was debating doing before. I decided to post it now because the last chapter is taking me forever, and I felt guilty. Since I had this started, I glued it together, and since the friend I basically wrote this for liked it, I decided, 'Oh, what the heck.'

The next chapter should be up in a few days, and I apologize for the wait. I have many things I could blame; school, work, Project Runway marathons, but I will do my best to get it up as soon as possible.

Please review and tell me what you think. I wrote this in a very different writing style, one I thought fits my view of Matt. It's...definitely different, but hey, at least it was fun? :)

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.:. Thoughts of a Third Wheel .:.

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People always have this common misconception. They think I don't notice anything, that all that fills my (acknowledged as pretty ingenious) mind are cheat codes and combos. Well, I do like unlocking secret characters, and hell yeah, combos rock my world. What feels better than slamming Sephiroth with complete ownage? Huh...I might have just killed my own point right there. Damn. Ah well, moving on.

What I was planning to say, before I ran off with the Final Fantasy drivel (which is actually freakin' amazing!) was that I actually am aware of things. I'm actually pretty observant. You have to be when you try to see all those chests in-okay I need to stop doing that.

Anyway, I do notice. I usually just don't care.

Like that time when I was seven, and Mello lost his chocolate bar and spent six hours crying while I evolved my Squirtle. I could see that aluminum wrapper under the dresser, but I'd rather shoot Gary with water gun than take the effort to open my mouth. I'm not that selfless, sorry Mel.

So why am I running on about this now? Who cares if people can't recognize my unique aptitude, when in fact, I don't care too much myself?

Well, I'm doing this whole reflection because I'm going to die.

Dramatic, isn't it? No, I'm not committing suicide, or anything over-the-top like that. If I was, do you think I'd broadcast it? That'd be pretty stupid, and as I've already blabbed on, I'm not stupid. I'm smart. Yeah.

Remember that Mello I was talking about? He's the reason I'm going to die. No, he's not murdering me, though he's come close a few times. Best friends forever, can't you tell?

Mello has an inferiority complex, but don't tell that to his face, or he'll probably crack open your head with a few shots. Which, in actuality, kind of exposes the problem...but whatever floats his boat. To get back on track, Mello's the head (and illegal) investigator in our little group, and we're tracking Kira, probably the most mentally-messed-up weirdo who's ever going to come into existence. Who's the group? It's me, Mello, and Ivy. It's almost sad. Oh, and Ivy? Yeah, I'll ramble about her later.

In case you don't know (which is probably impossible because his name is plastered all over the news) Kira is a pretty insane mass murderer. He's killed maybe over a million people already, which is sick. Not cool sick, just plain wrong sick.

He killed L, too, which is just not right. He's not allowed to do that, and that turned Kira into the world's biggest jerk, idiot, or whatever word you want to use. I've already used up my thesaurus. Not that I own one anyway.

Now Mello's whole jealousy issue has grown dangerously out of whack. First off, he's always been extremely envious (alliteration, yeah) of this kid Near. Near was one disturbing little boy. He hid in his room all day, playing with these childish action figures, probably even girly Barbie dolls. Man, he needed some help. Why would you want to use fake plastic chunks when you can have virtual men with actual guns as their left arms? That's right. Their arm is a gun. Tell me that doesn't blow dollies out of the water.

To add to his complete retardation (not to insult the mentally challenged), Near didn't even care about Mello and his ridiculous obsession. A normal person would just let it go, but oh not Mello. He had to be an over-obnoxious little brat, basically trash his life, and move in with a bunch of gangsters. Nice.

I think I'll get Ivy in now, or else this story won't make much sense. I'll be like, oh, and then me and Ivy played Super Smash, and you'll probably be a little confused, going, 'Why is Matt playing with a plant?' That wouldn't help my story much.

Ivy wasn't anyone special to begin with. Not that I don't like her, but she was sort of like a Monet painting (Yeah that's right. That's some nice culture right there). She was all blurry, hard to see next to everyone else who jam-packed Wammy's. Then one day, she commented (not helped, I would never need help) when I was playing one pretty hard (difficult for her, not for me) game. After that, she just came and went as she felt like it, and we had a pretty fun time. A few kids did that, some liked me because of my awesome electronic stash. Ivy didn't always come for games though. She enjoyed the chance to talk, and I'd give her one ear, which I guess was enough to keep her entertained.

But Ivy...was a little lacking. Not intellectually. I think she was sixth in line to be L? Eh, it doesn't matter now. But socially, she kind of...yeah, she sucked. Especially with Mello.

Because falling in love with Mello is just plain stupid.

It's like jumping off a three-million story building and screaming "Eek! I can fly!" Then you crash into the ground like a moron. See?

I'm not going to spend hours analyzing everything Ivy did, like following Mello like an under-appreciated dog when she had no reason to. Then again, I can't really accuse her of anything, because I basically did the same thing.

Best friends...yeah, I have no idea how it happened. Me and Mello (yeah I know that grammar sucks, blah blah) are about as opposite as they come, and not in that cute "we're completely different so we like totally mix" kind of way you see in cartoons.

I really think Mello just takes advantage of that "I don't care" factor that I brought up earlier.

"Hey Matt, I'm better than Near right?"

"Sure."

"I'd make a much better L too, don't you think?"

"Of course...dammit Saix die!"

"You're my best friend, Matt. You'd come with me if my made my own organization one day, right?"

"Yes! Yes, I win- wait what?"

That pretty much sums it up.

It seems Mello just has a way to sneak people into doing everything for him while his form of repaying is pointing a gun at their head. That really shouldn't be fair, but Ivy and I (there's that correct grammar for you) plopped right into that trap, and rather sadly at that.

I don't really have much more time. The little clock on the corner of my handheld's screen is beeping with each minute, and each time Mello sends a glare my way, I'm ready for him to grab it out of my hands and toss it into the sewer. Oh no, he's doing it again, better grip this thing tightly.

Not that he'd even dare. I'd flippin'...chop off his head or something. I don't know.

I'm going to waste this last chance of thought on Ivy, because I think she deserves it. I'll admit, I'm worried about what she's going to do on her own. Mello told her I should be coming back (those walls are thin, especially with all their screeching), but as I noted before, I know I'm probably not.

I don't think she ever knew the difference she made, so I'll tip-toe over it with the most sentiment you'll ever see from me. Feel lucky. Very lucky.

Even though it may have been involuntary, I know Mello better than anyone, in my opinion. We came into the orphanage around the same time, are close in age, and we grew up together. He shared some secrets that I nodded along to and tucked into the back fog of my mind, and maybe I gave some of my mine to shut his grating whining. But Mello came into Wammy's the exact way he left; angry, bitter, envious, and immature.

As little as it matters now, because he stayed true to his jerk-y nature in the end, Ivy fixed Mello a little. She gave him some emotions back, something to care about besides L and his inheritance and yada yada. I'm actually disappointed that he didn't give her the chance to heal him all together, because now I wouldn't be freezing on an uncomfortable motorcycle in the middle of the night like an idiot as people stare at us on the street. Maybe we could have been happy, and have our own little sitcom life with all those smiles. Too bad we'll never know.

"Matt," Mello muttered, tightening his helmet and glancing at me from the corner of his eye.

Oh come on, I only have one health bar to deplete, dammit!

"It's time to go."

"Alright..."

"Matt! She's coming out!"

I smiled as the boss fell down dead, the high score screen illuminating the plastic brightly. On instinct, I typed in...

M-A-T-

On the last letter I stopped with my thumb hovering over the key, biting the corner of my cheek before pressing the clear button. I took a slow drag out of my cigarette, feeling somewhat content now.

M-A-I-L

"Matt, now!" Mello hissed, rushing forward impatiently while I tucked the game in my pocket, not even having the time to flip the switch to save the battery for later.

If I had a later.

Following his lead, I caught up to Mello and turned the corner, speeding toward the fate my best friend had chosen for me.

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	9. Chapter 8

_Disclaimer :_ I do not own Death Note or any of it's characters. I don't really want to either, because writing fanfiction about something you actually own...doesn't make much sense...

_Author's Note : _Hello everybody. Here's the final chapter. Sorry it took me so long; I've just been feeling a little uninspired and was focusing more on my own original work. I hope you like this conclusion. I want to thank everyone who reviewed on this story, because I never believed it would be accepted this generously. So yes, thank you so much. Also, I want to thank the person who proofread these chapters and definitely motivated me to actually finish this, rileyluvr13.

A quick note, this has a different format than the other chapters. It is all one experience, not flashbacks and thoughts. With that, I also apologize for any spelling mistakes I may have missed. I hope you find it satisfying, even if it is not the ending you would have preferred, and I hope it doesn't seem rushed. It felt a little like that to me.

Thank you again, and please review and share your thoughts. Enjoy.

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.:. Chapter Eight .:.

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Minutes passed, maybe hours passed; to be honest, I could never tell anyone how long I sat there like a soulless corpse. I think I could have moved, if I tried, but there was no will in me. My arms and legs were heavy, granite limbs held together with the thinest threads, ready to collapse like any poorly assembled structure.

Eventually, I stumbled my way to the couch, collapsing upon it and turning on the television set, tedious news reports filling up the brightly lit screen. I followed along robotically, feeling the unseen time bomb with every new story, each commercial break.

"We interrupt your scheduled program for this announcement. An unidentified man has kidnapped Kiyomi Takada. His accomplice was killed at the scene, yet the other is still at large. If anyone has any information that can assist the police, please call the station. Here's a description of the kidnapper. While his face was covered by a helmet, we do know he rode a black motorcycle-"

My heart was in my throat, eyes glued to the scene as the mechanical voice spoke, pictures flashing across in rapid fire.

Mello's motorcycle, speeding on the street, a woman with shortly-cropped black hair clinging to him in obvious panic.

Frightened bystanders and stunned bodyguards, gathered around the scene in one thick, horrid mob.

Matt, lying crumpled against the street like a rag doll, still smoking wounds decorating his chest.

"He said..." I stammered incomprehensibly, watching more close ups of Matt's pale face, the cigarette dangling pitifully in his mouth.

Falling back onto the couch, I dug my fingers into the fabric painfully and waited, knowing there was nothing else I could possibly do.

"We have some saddening news," the anchor began, her practiced face turning melancholy as she began pitching the story of her career. "Kiyomi Takada and her kidnapper were both found only a few moments ago in an abandoned church on the west side of town. However, I'm sorry to say she died in a sudden explosion, the source of which is still under speculation. Luckily, her despicable abductor perished as well. We will all mourn-"

The red power button never seemed more inviting when my thumb slammed down upon it, a tiny click signaling the screen to fade to black. I couldn't think as I staggered to my feet, leaving the apartment without even closing the door behind me. The next thing I could comprehend, I was standing before a gray, dilapidated building, watching one streetlamp flicker in the corner of my eye.

Don't ask me how I got there, because I don't know myself. When I think back, I remember the demonic red and tainted white from police cars exploding through the air, their piercing sirens blasting through my ears and ricocheting against the cloaking black of night. The sensation of blending with the shadows and molding into the dumb crowds still pricked in the corners of my being, but as I said, the method was unimportant.

All that mattered was the garish yellow police tape lying broken on the ground, the peeling door swinging violently in the wind. My booted feet made almost no sound as I slipped through the halls, the unnamed labyrinth that silently told me this is where I needed to be. The path was barely illuminated, just a foggy spray of sickly white that weakly lit the way.

As I moved through each constricting cage, the air grew stale. It clumped together in my throat with dust and age, choking me on its way down. The light grew slowly with each step, whispering for me to come closer, to follow. Its pale, dangerous hands gestured to me like I was a child, grabbing my own fingers and puling me forward.

The slippery claws fell away when I stopped before a corridor that I somehow knew had to be the one. I passed each door, the light pushing me on until I reached the last decaying portal of rotted wood. I grasped the knob, squeezing to feel its solidity before twisting it open, the creaking filling the space to the brim and scaring the light away.

There were two beds inside, each lying on opposite ends of the dank, foul room. Once I stepped inside, a revolting scent washed over me and I almost retched, just keeping my composure as I stumbled a few feet forward. My eyes stung but I did my best to ignore the feeling while inching to the closest covered coffin.

My hand trembled when I lifted it, clutching the mockingly pristine sheet and ripping it back to counter my overwhelming fear. Uttering a pitiful cry of relief, I collapsed on my knees, knuckles turning white from my grip on the metal frame.

"I'm sorry, Matt," I whispered when I recovered, free tears dripping down my face. His eyes were still open behind his cracked googles, and a burst of anger ignited in me at the sight. Even his lips were still desecrated by the remainder of gray ashes.

Had Kira really instilled such uncaring for human life in his people, that the police wouldn't even treat the dead with the basic respect? A body should never be condemned to this state, whether or not they sinned or saved. They had practically just thrown his body in here and hid it away, hoping the evidence would rot along with their responsibility.

Ignoring the uncomfortable shaking in my fingers, I pulled down Matt's ruined googles, shutting those glassy, lifeless eyes and saving them from staring up at the world that had dimmed their green brilliance. Afterwards, I stepped back, unsure what to say when a quick spark caught my vision.

A small square of light was flashing where Matt's side must've been, and I nervously peeled the cover further to reveal the pockets of his dirtied pants, reaching inside. A choked cry of happiness leaped out of my stony lips when my fingers furled around that familiar handheld, even able to recognize the scratches on the left side. I brought it up to my swimming field of view, smiling faintly as the high score screen shifted before my eyes. Before I could memorize it further, the power died and faded to nothing, leaving me with the toy of a dead man.

Part of me wanted to take it, to bring it with me and play it in the memory of the friend who had worn the buttons so far you couldn't tell A from B. But looking down at the device in my grasp, I knew there was only one place where it could be.

I moved Matt's arms until his hands were open on his chest, and I placed the handheld in them, gripping his fingers until they held it as he used to.

"I'll miss you," I admitted, still clinging to his frigid soulless shell. Grayscale scenes projected in my mind like an old movie, and what little contentment I had snuck away and left me empty.

"Thank you for trying."

I let him go and faced the left of the room, where another bed held a covered figure that waited for me with the patience the real one had lacked.

That horrible smell filled my senses as I forced myself forward, and I finally recognized it to be the one of burnt flesh. The acrid, pungent odor grew when I staggered closer, blossoming my fear and murdering my resolve. I was so afraid to see what lay beneath that shield, that fence that separated dreams and reality.

Please don't be under there Mello.

I knew it would be him before I drew the sheet back. He had never listened to my pleas in life, so why would he in death?

As I caught a glimpse of the tortured body beneath, I shied away and buried my face in my hands, breathing evenly to keep myself calm. No words could explain that terrible mess of charcoal, ripped skin and blackened bone peeking through. I stood hunched over, trying not to be sick from the image growing in my hand, the ghoulish imprint of a skull taking over. I tried to control myself, filling those sizzled eye sockets with shining teal eyes, and that ashy bone with soft skin and golden hair. That was the Mello I knew, the on who slept on in my heart, and the one I needed to remember at this moment.

I glanced back, straightening when I saw the body of the young man I loved lying there, his yellow hair spread over the white rebelliously and his body still as if in sleep. It was easier to look now, and I even smiled as I stepped closer. The image was inconsistent, switching between a deceptive angel and a devilish victim. The scene awakened both joy and anger in me.

"Look at you..." I trailed off almost absentmindedly, my hands snapping back into fists.

"Why didn't you listen to me!"

I flipped around rapidly, searching for something throw, to smash, to destroy. Anything to set these feelings free. When I found nothing, I sunk to the floor, slamming blows onto the decrepit floor like a madman. Tiny dents bloomed underneath my fists, the weak planks of wood cracking from the pressure it wasn't used to.

"All your ridiculous pride! Kira, Kira, Kira! Near, Near, Near!" I shrieked with each hit, my pained voice echoing in the tiny space like a condemning jury. "You're dead you idiot! How does that fit in with you being L! You stupid moron!"

"I told you I loved you..." I whimpered pathetically, running out of things to shout and scream.

I flicked my gaze up towards the ceiling, imagining past it to the starry sky where Heaven was supposed to be.

"Are you happy?"

There was no answer for me, and when I stood to look at Mello, he was a corpse again.

Something glimmered in the crushed remains of his chest, and I recognized a cross draping against what remained of a follower. I leaned forward, lifting it off the body gently and cringing when the chain snapped against what remained of the neck. When I stared at it for a few seconds, it glowed unnaturally bright in such a dark, godless room.

Mello's faith hadn't saved him, but...maybe it could save me.

If there really was a God watching our lives play out from the heavens, well I couldn't say I believed in that for sure. Yet, I needed some meaning now, because I was standing on an impossible island surrounded by raging oceans that left me with nowhere to turn. I craved something to believe in, some reason to keep breathing.

This might bring me faith, that there was someone I could be now, something I could accomplish with what remained of my life, even if the one I loved was not in it.

With jittery hands, I tied the chain around my neck apprehensively, the small weight comfortable and reassuring against my chest. I looked at Mello again, nodding to myself before dragging the sheet back over his retched remains.

Mello could never overcome his obsession, but...maybe I could overcome mine.

My steps timid and unsure; I left the constricting hallways behind and felt the wells of tears dry behind my eyes. It wouldn't be easy; in fact, it would probably be the most difficult, painful struggle I would ever face. My heart was still aching, and it all felt completely unreal, more like a nightmare than the harsh reality prodding at my soul.

I pushed open the final door with my shoulder, peeking out and squinting at the police car headlights, which were now disappearing down the street. The sight sent me reeling back into caverns of darkness and mutated memories, but I breathed deeply and held my head as high as I could. A voice was echoing inside of me, telling me my dream was tremendous, and that it would take so much to evolve into someone new. Still, in the end, I could be just another person on the street, a happy person whose greatest problem was getting to the grocery store before it closed. I'd have a life without murder and deceit, without having to strain my mind until it was ready to melt.

The sidewalk welcomed me, and the stars shown hopefully in the sky, claiming that it would all be okay.

I decided to believe them.

I had no idea how I would do it all, but I would, and though the means weren't set in stone, it didn't matter. As I gazed up at that canvas of silver and black, I could see two faces shining back at me, one kinder than I had ever seen it in life. I smiled back, so distracted that I was jerked out of my thoughts when I collided with something hard.

Staggering backwards I few feet, I lost my balance completely and hit the ground a bit painfully. I rubbed my leg with a slight cringe when an apologetic voice called out,

"Are you alright? I'm so sorry! I should have watched where I was going."

I looked up at the worried man through my mass of tousled hair, moving to stand up when he held out a hand.

"Are you alright? I'm Jake, by the way," he explained hurriedly, and I grasped the offer, using it to pull myself up.

"Iliana, and I'll be... okay."


End file.
